Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

After days of partisan bickering, a stimulus bill is done.  “But without the 12.2 billion needed for raccoons struggling with their weight,” a fuming Nancy Pelosi muttered. “As important as it is to put food on the tables for American citizens, it’s equally important to remove some food from our nation’s raccoons,” Pelosi explained.  “Republicans…

CNN Calls Trump Holding Bible ‘Troubling Footage’ As Split-Screen Shows Protestor Attack Crowd With Chainsaw

CNN Calls Trump Holding Bible ‘Troubling Footage’ As Split-Screen Shows Protestor Attack Crowd With Chainsaw

This week, CNN described Trump holding up the Bible as “troubling footage’.  However, some astute viewers noticed that while Wolf Blitzer was describing Trump’s disturbing act, a man wielding a chainsaw was attacking a crowd of people. “Now I want to comment on what we’re looking at here,” Blitzer began.  “But first, I want to…

Man Believes Minority Communities Shouldn’t Be Destroyed, Clearly White Supremacist

Man Believes Minority Communities Shouldn’t Be Destroyed, Clearly White Supremacist

Middlebury, Vermont was rocked on Wednesday after the shocking discovery of a local man’s Facebook post.  After 32-year-old, Allen Mason wrote, “It’s horrible that these minority communities are being destroyed.  This should not happen!” his friends and family faced the grim reality that Allen was a raging white supremacist. As Allen (who is obviously a…

“You Can’t Ask People To Stay In Their Homes!” CNN Screams Upon Learning of Trump Issued Curfew

“You Can’t Ask People To Stay In Their Homes!” CNN Screams Upon Learning of Trump Issued Curfew

It was a full-blown meltdown on CNN last night after the network learned President Trump encouraged the states to issue a curfew. “At this time I’ll ask our audience—yeah, all 10 of you, to sit down or grab on to something sturdy.  Because I’ve got something so shocking to tell you,” Jake Tapper warned.  The President…