Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

After days of partisan bickering, a stimulus bill is done.  “But without the 12.2 billion needed for raccoons struggling with their weight,” a fuming Nancy Pelosi muttered. “As important as it is to put food on the tables for American citizens, it’s equally important to remove some food from our nation’s raccoons,” Pelosi explained.  “Republicans…

Report: All Briefcases Now Being Included In Total Number Of Virus Cases

Report: All Briefcases Now Being Included In Total Number Of Virus Cases

The CDC has announced that they’ve begun including all briefcases in the total number of COVID-19 cases.  The decision came after several Democrat governors demanded more scary numbers so they could force another lockdown. “This is bad.  We must shut down California,” Gavin Newsom said outside a Sacramento mall.  “Because of Trump, we’ve just learned…

Media Patiently Waits For Joe Biden’s Staff To Load Each Answer Onto Teleprompter During Q&A

Media Patiently Waits For Joe Biden’s Staff To Load Each Answer Onto Teleprompter During Q&A

At least give the mainstream media credit for being a patient bunch.  During Tuesday’s rare public sighting of Joe Biden, reporters patiently waited as members of his campaign dutifully typed his answers onto the teleprompter.  During the long pauses as the staffers loaded up the machine, media members tweeted about how sharp and brilliant Biden…

National Polls Show Americans Loved Footage Of Biden Cheerleading For Mob

National Polls Show Americans Loved Footage Of Biden Cheerleading For Mob

In a rare public appearance, Joe Biden was seen wearing a cheerleader’s outfit and openly cheering on a violent mob on Tuesday.   Naturally, the national polls are showing that average Americans ‘loved seeing that’ from Biden and the former VP’s lead over Trump widened to 42 points. “I’m not surprised,” said a national pollster.  “History…