WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump has appointed the Charmin Bears to run the Department of Environmental Protection Agency and, in particular, to wipe up the mess in deep blue states have made.
The President’s reasoning for the appointment was simple; “Have you seen those bears clean?” Trump said in the press conference. “I mean, if they can clean our cities like they do those hineys, we’ll be in tremendous shape!” he concluded.
Democrat Senators in California are surprisingly expected to vote to confirm the Charmin Bears.
“I hate Trump and his MAGA following, but these bears are famous for cleaning up poop. And I can’t walk 10 feet in San Francisco without slipping and falling onto poop,” Adam Shiff said. “I spend a third of my salary on shoes. This must stop.”
Reports are the Bears landed the job by showing Trump that, if appointed, they would be “twice as absorbent” as previous EPA candidates.
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