MILWAUKEE, WI– Some exciting new ballot receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the CovfefeCount5000. “We’re…

WASHINGTON, D.C — The House approved a $41 zillion aid package for Ukraine early Monday.  The Senate and Joe Biden quickly approved the bill.  The bill now heads to the Easter Bunny’s desk to be signed into law. A muffled, “Now, let me see what we got here,” was heard from the all-powerful Easter Bunny as he…

TALLAHASSEE, FL–At long last, the elite group of bearded men who meticulously prophesied the last two years are being properly recognized. In Florida, at least. “They call them ‘conspiracy theorists’, but we call them regular dudes who’ve cracked open a history book. They’ve nailed everything,” Ron DeSantis said announcing the holiday. “You know where we’d be without these…

PORTLAND, OR– If Texas thought it could pass anti-abortion legislation without any consequences, they were deeply mistaken. As punishment for trying to protect babies, local lawmakers in what’s left of Oregon, voted 11-0 to prohibit Texas men from having any sexual relations with Portland women. The bill titled ‘Snatch Back Our Snatch’ took effect at midnight,…

It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my TV keeps telling me nine WHITE men just killed something so precious and dear to me. Abortion.  They just killed it!  Can you imagine?  Killing?!   As you all know, I love abortion more than anyone with the exception of my mom. She always tells me…