SANTA MONICA, CA– On Sunday, Santa Monica swimmer Doug Patterson was eaten alive by a great white shark.  Thankfully, California officials have confirmed that the 21-foot shark’s interactions with Patterson were mostly peaceful. “After consulting with marine biologists, we learned this shark went roughly eleven years of its life not devouring Doug Patterson, and then…

Washington, D.C. – Walking arm and arm, Kevin McCarthy and Chuck Schumer approached the microphone to thoroughly reject the idea that a “uniparty” exists in American politics. “Folks, believe us when we say there’s simply no such thing as a ‘uniparty,’” McCarthy began. “Rest assured; both Republicans and Democrats will squash this conspiracy theory. Even…

ST. LOUIS, MO—Earlier this year, Bud Light famously made the brilliant business decision to cease all sales from beer drinkers and instead focus on the fabulous new demo of show-tune-singing transvestites. A segment that makes up 00.002% of alcohol-aged Americans but oddly 71% of Junior Highers. Shockingly, this marketing campaign failed. “Our sales went down…

SEATTLE, WA–On Thursday, Seattle man Zach McGuire was arrested for possession of a plastic bag. McGuire was brazenly using the bag in broad daylight to carry his roughly eight pounds of heroin. Because Seattleites know plastic bags pose the largest threat to their beautiful city, concerned citizens, including several drug dealers, called the police immediately.…

ILLINOIS — “What’s the matter with you, Grammy?!” screamed Chicago native Emily Rodgers at her grandmother’s grave.  “Why must you keep voting Democrats into office?!” Scenes like this are becoming commonplace in the state of Illinois as the local dead population continues to usher radical Democrats into office with their vote. Polling data shows Illinois’…