New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

MILWAUKEE, WI– Some exciting new ballot receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the CovfefeCount5000. “We’re…

DeSantis Enacts Holiday Honoring Conspiracy Theorists Who ‘Nailed Everything’

DeSantis Enacts Holiday Honoring Conspiracy Theorists Who ‘Nailed Everything’

TALLAHASSEE, FL–At long last, the elite group of bearded men who meticulously prophesied the last two years are being properly recognized. In Florida, at least. “They call them ‘conspiracy theorists’, but we call them regular dudes who’ve cracked open a history book. They’ve nailed everything,” Ron DeSantis said announcing the holiday. “You know where we’d be without these…

Oregon Bill Prohibits Texas Men From Sleeping With Portland Women

Oregon Bill Prohibits Texas Men From Sleeping With Portland Women

PORTLAND, OR– If Texas thought it could pass anti-abortion legislation without any consequences, they were deeply mistaken. As punishment for trying to protect babies, local lawmakers in what’s left of Oregon, voted 11-0 to prohibit Texas men from having any sexual relations with Portland women. The bill titled ‘Snatch Back Our Snatch’ took effect at midnight,…

America, 99.9% Of You Love Abortion, But We Must Never, Ever, Ever Put It To A Vote! By Libby McTardo

America, 99.9% Of You Love Abortion, But We Must Never, Ever, Ever Put It To A Vote! By Libby McTardo

It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my TV keeps telling me nine WHITE men just killed something so precious and dear to me. Abortion.  They just killed it!  Can you imagine?  Killing?!   As you all know, I love abortion more than anyone with the exception of my mom. She always tells me…