MINNEAPOLIS, MN — For years now, Americans have been searching for something as brave and stunning as Jerry Nadler’s suspender straps, and now, it appears that wait is over. The retailer announced Tuesday that all North American Target locations have opted to undergo woke-affirming surgery, and their balls will be removed effective immediately. “Sometimes I…
Category: U.S. News
To Avoid Controversy, Raiders Hire Hunter Biden As Head Coach
LAS VEGAS, NV — On Wednesday, the Las Vegas Raiders made a big step in restoring the public’s faith in humanity by hiring famed painter and long-time crackhead, Hunter Biden. “We chose Hunter because we needed to stop with the bad headlines. It was an easy hire because the whole gang at ESPN adores the kid. Plus, he had…
David French: 'The Conservative Case For Colorful Fentanyl Tablets Mixed In With Your Kid's Halloween Candy'
David French, a guest contributor, wrote the following piece: It’s been a few years since I famously called drag queen story hour a ‘blessing of liberty.’ The comment ruffled some feathers, but real conservatives like Lindsey Graham still greet me with a warm, multi-minute embrace. Therefore, I’d say that remark is aging like a fine…
Extremely Rare All-White Humpback Spotted, Immediately Shot By BLM
SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Just one in one million humpback whales are completely white, and marine scientists were thrilled to spot one in the East Bay near Oakland on Wednesday. Naturally, a member of the Oakland BLM chapter shot the whale directly in the blowhole the moment it breached the surface. Many believed the researchers provoked the…
Ilhan Omar: ‘Every One Of My Brothers Who Disagrees With Me Just Wants To Marry Me’
Minneapolis, MN– Proud American and grateful immigrant, Ilhan Omar is being widely questioned after saying she feels her biological brothers only disagree with her because they want to marry her. Her comments came as the Omar gang piled into the family station wagon after visiting the George Floyd memorial. “No, Ahmed! You had the front…