CHICAGO, IL — On Tuesday, Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot became tired of “inclusion,” and the creature announced it would only socialize with people who look like…it. “For years everything was, ‘let’s be friendly to Mexicans and whites and Asians’ and I’ve just had it up to here with inclusion!” Lightfoot yelled holding her hand above…
Category: U.S. News
Portland To Launch ‘Portland+’
PORTLAND, OR– On Monday, the city of Portland announced it would introduce a slightly more shitty replica of itself just outside the city limits. “We have acquired a large, family-friendly suburb of Beaverton that will soon be known as Portland+. But don’t you worry, we will be giving the people what they want: An exact…
Democrats Propose Vote-By-Raccoon
WASHINGTON, DC – Republicans are claiming Democrats’ new preferred method of voting, vote-by-raccoon, is unreliable. Another wild conspiracy theory from the GOP. “The idea that America’s wonderful raccoon population cannot be trusted to deliver the will of the people is preposterous,” Pelosi said. “They will warm our hearts as they scamper door to door collecting…
CNN: 'No Two Planes Have Done More Damage To USA Than The Two Ron DeSantis Sent To Martha's Vineyard'
ATLANTA, GA – CNN is reporting that Ron DeSantis is claiming credit for the most destructive and dangerous use of two airplanes in the history of the United States. Using planes, the Florida Governor overnighted hundreds of Mexicans to Martha’s Vineyard, the epicenter of rising sea levels. It’s being called an obvious attempt to kill…
Hasbro Pressured To Add Small Accessory To All Mrs. Potato Head Sets
PAWTUCKET, RI– Hasbro has finally bowed to intense pressure from the Biden administration to enhance its beloved Mrs. Potato Head doll with a graphic little accessory. “We don’t want to say what it is—but all the parents are going to love it,” CEO Brian Goldner said in a creepy press conference. “I’ll just say, we believe…