My Pillow To Replace The Dollar as US Currency

My Pillow To Replace The Dollar as US Currency

As America’s economy tumbles, the US Treasury has finally made the announcement many anticipated:  My Pillow will officially replace the dollar as US currency. “Well, I think the dollar had a good run,” President Trump told the press.  “But in these times of uncertainty, we need to rely on something with intrinsic value that’s recognized…

Local Man Arrested For Suggesting We Should Turn The Economy Back On

Local Man Arrested For Suggesting We Should Turn The Economy Back On

Gary Booker of Fredericksburg, Texas was detained by local authorities early this week for suggesting the United States of America consider ‘turning the economy back on.’ Witnesses tell The Glorious American that Gary was saying hysterical things like, “We can’t just all not work for 30 weeks,” and “We’re going to have a 60% unemployment…

Portland Outlaws Fondue Fountains Claiming They Promote ‘Dangerous Trickle-Down Economic Theory’

Portland Outlaws Fondue Fountains Claiming They Promote ‘Dangerous Trickle-Down Economic Theory’

Portland City Council has officially outlawed all fondue fountains citing they promote the dangerous idea of trickle-down economics. As expected, many Portlanders are in favor of the ban. “As we all know, a person growing a business to the point where others experience employment opportunities is preposterous,” said Starbucks employee, Carly Nash. The unanimous decision…

Bernie Guarantees 100% Childhood Literacy With New Book: “Learn To Read (Or Die)”

Bernie Guarantees 100% Childhood Literacy With New Book: “Learn To Read (Or Die)”

Senator Bernie Sanders left the nation in awe this week after unveiling his new children’s book titled: “Learn to Read (or Die)”. According to Sanders, this book is “guaranteed” to give America a 100% literacy rate among youngsters. The book’s title, which ends in “(or Die)” is raising eyebrows with Americans. But in Bernie’s twelve…

Michael Avenatti Officially a Criminal, Clears Final Step to Become Democrat Presidential Candidate

Michael Avenatti Officially a Criminal, Clears Final Step to Become Democrat Presidential Candidate

After Michael Avenatti was declared a criminal, the media darling has cleared the important and final step for becoming a Democrat presidential candidate. As Avenatti was being walked from the courthouse to a squad car, he delivered this brief victory speech: “To those who doubted that this young man from northern California could one day…