WASHINGTON, DC–Despite his staff telling him no crime was committed, fictional president Joe Biden is insisting Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, Amber Heard receive a pardon for pooping in the bed. “Her actions were so normal and natural–no joke. I mean c’mon man, we’ve all roll played. Jimmy Derp was Charlie and the broad was playing the chocolate factory!” Joe told…
Category: Law
Joe Biden Says 19mm Bullets Can ‘Blow Your Pharynx Clean Off’ And ‘Reverse Vasectomies’
WASHINGTON, DC – On Tuesday, fictional president Joe Biden gave Americans another graphic reminder of how badly guns can hurt one’s body. “The idea, THE IDEA that you need a militia of deer in kevlar vests to overthrow the Guantanamo military is… well, that actually sounds like a great idea, but it’s not the point, damn…
Nancy Pelosi’s Father Leads Police On High-Speed Chase Trying To Escape California
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – These days, Nancy Pelosi’s family is like her dad’s 1979 Buick Regal. A total wreck. Earlier today, California Highway Patrol was led on a six-hour, high-speed chase while trying to pull over Nancy’s father, Arthur. The 93-year-old was apparently desperate to escape California. “Arthur was going over 120mph while screaming, ‘I…
Odd: All Crime From Dangerous Trump Supporters Stops During FBI’s Company Picnic
WASHINGTON, D.C.–An odd development unfolded during the FBI’s company picnic Thursday. All criminal activity from dangerous Trump supporters sharply ceased precisely during the annual event. Even small offenses like spraypainting ‘Yay for Hitler!’ on college campuses and writing ‘I don’t tip those who look different than me!’ on receipts also abruptly ended during the picnic…
Hunter Biden Accidentally Discharges Weapon Through Father’s Gun Control Bill
WASHINGTON, D.C. –Joe Biden’s groundbreaking gun control bill may have been undermined a bit when it was immediately shot up from a gun his son was holding. “With this legislation, we have finally put an end to dangerous and stupid criminals recklessly shooting off their guns,” fictional President Joe Biden said, holding up the bill.…