LOS ANGELES, CA–It looks like all American sports are on hold until LeBron James can personally make the rounds to each precinct and tell the cops how to do their job. “I’m excellent at basketball so my friends tell me that means I’m excellent at law enforcement too,” LeBron explained to the LAPD. “And irregardless…
Category: Law
Capitol Police Accidentally All Shoot Each Other While Trying To Conduct 21-Gun Salute
WASHINGTON, DC –In yet another embarrassing display of incompetence, the Capitol Police squad accidentally all shot each other while trying to conduct a 21-gun salute during the January 6th special TV event. Apparently, two groups of Capitol Police faced each other and fired their rifles directly forward. Lieutenant Michael Byrd, the man famous for shooting innocent…
Ray Epps Added To January 6th Committee
WASHINGTON, DC — To give themselves an edge in the January 6th mystery, the crime-fighting committee (who demand to be called J6C-FORCE!) hired none other than Ray Epps several months ago. “I think everyone who called us stupid has a lot of explaining to do,” Liz Cheney said after announcing Epps to the team. “This man…
Paddle Boarder Arrested By Coastguard For Not Granting Them Pandemic Amnesty
MALIBU, CA — A paddle boarder was arrested after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean and grant them pandemic amnesty on Monday. County lifeguards were heard screaming to the young man via bullhorn, “It was the fog of COVID! How were we supposed to know you still had rights? So let’s just…
New York Murder Rate Sharply Plummets After Guy Who Tabulates All The Homicides Is Shot
MANHATTAN, NY — When it comes to the horrifying crime numbers coming out of New York City, there’s finally some good news. On Thursday, the consistently high number of murders plummeted to zero after the guy whose job it is to tabulate all the homicides was shot. Daniel McGraphy was headed to work to enter hundreds…