BREAKING: Biden Insists On Pardoning Amber Heard For Pooping In Bed

BREAKING: Biden Insists On Pardoning Amber Heard For Pooping In Bed

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite his staff telling him no crime was committed, fictional president Joe Biden is insisting Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, Amber Heard receive a pardon for pooping in the bed. “Her actions were so normal and natural–no joke. I mean c’mon man, we’ve all roll played. Jimmy Derp was Charlie and the broad was playing the chocolate factory!” Joe told…

Nancy Pelosi’s Father Leads Police On High-Speed Chase Trying To Escape California

Nancy Pelosi’s Father Leads Police On High-Speed Chase Trying To Escape California

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – These days, Nancy Pelosi’s family is like her dad’s 1979 Buick Regal.  A total wreck. Earlier today, California Highway Patrol was led on a six-hour, high-speed chase while trying to pull over Nancy’s father, Arthur.  The 93-year-old was apparently desperate to escape California. “Arthur was going over 120mph while screaming, ‘I…

Odd: All Crime From Dangerous Trump Supporters Stops During FBI’s Company Picnic

Odd: All Crime From Dangerous Trump Supporters Stops During FBI’s Company Picnic

WASHINGTON, D.C.–An odd development unfolded during the FBI’s company picnic Thursday. All criminal activity from dangerous Trump supporters sharply ceased precisely during the annual event. Even small offenses like spraypainting ‘Yay for Hitler!’ on college campuses and writing ‘I don’t tip those who look different than me!’ on receipts also abruptly ended during the picnic…