SEATTLE, WA–On Thursday, Seattle man Zach McGuire was arrested for possession of a plastic bag. McGuire was brazenly using the bag in broad daylight to carry his roughly eight pounds of heroin. Because Seattleites know plastic bags pose the largest threat to their beautiful city, concerned citizens, including several drug dealers, called the police immediately.…
Category: Law
Officer Mistakenly Deploys LeBron James At Suspect
MARYLAND–A Baltimore policeman is learning the hard way that just because each officer is given a standard-issue LeBron James to handle all crime, they must be extremely careful on how they use it. “I swear, I thought it was my gun,” a rattled officer Davis said. “It all happened so fast. A middle-school girl demanded…
Oregon Bill Prohibits Texas Men From Sleeping With Portland Women
PORTLAND, OR– If Texas thought it could pass anti-abortion legislation without any consequences, they were deeply mistaken. As punishment for trying to protect babies, local lawmakers in what’s left of Oregon, voted 11-0 to prohibit Texas men from having any sexual relations with Portland women. The bill titled ‘Snatch Back Our Snatch’ took effect at midnight,…
Merrick Garland: 'Mom Says You Guys Have To Stop Making Fun Of Me'
WASHINGTON, DC – Attorney General Merrick Garland offered a stiff warning to the 92% of Americans who believe the FBI is now a pathetic joke. “Quit it, guys, ok?! Mom says you guys have to stop making fun of me,” Garland said with his patented demeanor of strength and confidence. “You guys have to listen…
Ending Row Vs. Wade 'Only 3%' Of What Clarence Thomas Did Last Month
WASHINGTON, DC – If you listen to the media, you would think Justice Clarence Thomas spent all of last month dismantling Row Vs. Wade. However, a new report shows that only 3% of Thomas’ month was spent protecting infants. “A whopping 97% of his month was classified as ‘other services.’ These activities are things like…