HAYWARD, CA – After Renee Porter’s 2021 Chevy Malibu was carjacked by a gun-wielding Biden voter, it seemed recovering the vehicle was hopeless. But Renee had a trick up her sleeve.
“I told the authorities my attacker was pro-life. I yelled, ‘This bloodthirsty man wasn’t even bloodthirsty for the citizens too young to vote Democrat!’ The FBI immediately launched a full-scale investigation, and I had my car back in under twelve minutes,” she reported. “The FBI even detailed it for me.”
These days, many Americans suspect Biden’s FBI has all but stopped prosecuting criminals.
“Totally false,” FBI Director Christopher Wray said. “You jaywalk while not endorsing abortion; you’ll get five to ten. We start letting pro-lifers just walk around the country, and we’d be looking at total chaos. A complete breakdown of society. Can you imagine?”
For surviving the encounter, fictional president Joe Biden gave Renee Porter the prestigious Ray Epps Medal of Freedom medal in a Rose Garden ceremony.
In the ceremony, the FBI issued an apology for taking twelve minutes to catch the pro-lifer:
“That day, the streets were packed with meth addicts, fentanyl dealers, and Biden voters rushing out of the Nike stores carrying armfuls of tracksuits, so it took longer than normal. Plus, we had to Zigzag our vehicles to dodge bullets from a local gang war. Otherwise, we would have caught the dangerous pro-lifer in a more timely matter.”
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