As reports began to surface that Seattle’s lawless den of criminals have begun murdering one another, CNN was quick to send a reporter to the scene to debunk these wild, right-wing conspiracy theories. “I’m here at this lovely street festival, and as you can see, it couldn’t be more tranquil,” the reporter informed CNN’s Brian…
Category: World & Weather
Using World Map, ABC Asks John Bolton To Point To All The Places Trump Wouldn’t Let Him Touch
During his bombshell interview with ABC, former national security adviser, John Bolton gave an emotional account of all the places Trump wouldn’t let him touch. “John, I want you to take a look at this map,” Raddatz said setting up the easel. Bolton, sensing where this was going, slowly buried his head in his hands with…
Alaska Just Now Finding Out What’s Going On Down Here
Alaskans are just now learning about the horrifying hellscape of lawless carnage the lower 48 have gotten themselves into this year. “You hear about this? Apparently, the whole world is in some kind of trouble,” a bearded Alaskan man informed his friends upon getting a brief moment of cellular service. “It sounds like the beer…
New York Times Editor Resigns In Disgrace After Allowing Weather Section To Say It Might Be Cloudy On Friday
New York Times editor, James Bennet has resigned after he oversaw the publication run a controversial weather forecast saying that it might be cloudy on Friday. “It was a physical threat,” one reader said before canceling his subscription. “Times readers know exactly how the world should be. Socialist and 72°. News shouldn’t be allowed to challenge…
California Changes State Motto To ‘We’re Two Weeks Behind Italy’
In an effort to keep Californians in a perpetual state of fear, the state has officially changed its motto to “We’re two weeks behind Italy”. “This phrase will forever remind us to prepare for what’s happening in Italy right now,” Gavin Newsom said at the new flag’s unveiling. “From now until the day we die—which…
