MEDINA, WA — Many vaccine recipients have noticed a small wire connected to their arm from where the shot was administered. Even more peculiar, the wire leads into Bill Gates’ Seattle mansion. “Is this normal?” a concerned 67-year-old Helen Philips asked her nurse about the two thousand-mile-long blue wire. “Oh, here we go again. Another…
Category: Health
White House: Wave Of ‘Died Suddenly’ Incidences Likely Due To Gas Stoves
WASHINGTON, DC – As the wave of people dying suddenly reaches preposterous levels, the likely cause is something many people have quietly suspected. Gas stoves. If you’re skeptical, consider this: Even Joe Biden is now saying these appliances are to blame—and he’s a legitimate President. “My fellow A..Ar..Armenians, unless you’ve been living under Iraq for…
Experts Now Believe Grinch’s Heart Growing Three Sizes That Day Was Due To Vaccine
Mt. CRUMPIT — Medical experts now have strong cause to believe that the Grinch suffered from a massive case of myocarditis following his third Johnson & Johnson shot. Before the discovery, it was widely assumed that the Grinch’s heart rapidly grew three sizes because of his newfound understanding of the meaning of Christmas. “Unfortunately, we…
Big Pharma CEOs Spotted Looking For 22 Million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—On Friday, Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato was one of several big pharma CEOs spotted combing through a New Jersey area Walgreens hoping to buy 22 million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards. “If we don’t mail these out, the shee—I mean, human people will be furious with us. Without…
We Hear COVID Has Killed Thousands Of Women & Men. But What About The Other 62 Genders? By Libby McTardo
It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my TV keeps telling me how many men (BARF!) and women have died from COVID, but nothing about the other 62 genders. Not only is this hateful, but it’s also factually incorrect. My roommate was a pansexual (only attracted to pots and pans) and…