On Monday, California scuba diver, Richard McDoofis’ shark cage malfunctioned and he was sadly torn limb from limb by a mostly peaceful Great White Shark. Perhaps the saddest part is that the death was unnecessary. Several children were spotted twelve miles from the accident building sandcastles. Totally shark cageless. Naturally, this recklessness caused McDoofis’ cage to…
Category: Health
Dr. Fauci Reminds Americans To Wash Their Brains Twice A Day
When Anthony Fauci is not getting assaulted by Dr. Rand Paul, he’s always dishing out helpful advice. On Tuesday, the brilliant doctor reminded all Americans to thoroughly wash their brains. “The science told me personally that everyone should be washing their brain two, perhaps three times a day. And watching CNN is a great start,” Fauci told…
Doctor Who Told Patients To Eat ‘An Apple A Day’ Charged With Prescribing Horse Food
Dawsonville, GA– Our pandemic was going so great. But it looks like a hotshot doctor in northern Georgia may have ruined everything. Dr. Jessi Roberts, a straight white male, was caught suggesting his patients eat horse food ‘every day’ for over twelve years. Even more disgusting, he made up a little rhyme to help his victims…
Fauci: Real Vaccination Rollouts Have Never Been Tried
On Wednesday, top pharmaceutical salesman, Anthony Fauci, testified before the Senate about a little-known virus called “COVID-19”. Dr. Rand Paul was particularly anxious to ask the small creature why people who took his vaccines only seem to have immunity for thirteen minutes before promptly getting the disease. “Well, quite frankly, Doctor–if that is your real…
CDC Announces Temporary Moratorium On The Taliban Being Mean
The CDC is issuing a new, “temporary” moratorium on the Taliban being mean. Particularly towards Joe Biden. The moratorium came after the Taliban caused so much death and devastation, that Kamala Harris only laughed at the situation for a mere six minutes. Sources say Joe Biden has been so rattled by the violent group’s bullying, he’s been forgetful,…