WASHINGTON, DC — Top Democrats are finally admitting what most Americans have suspected for years: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was only installed into Congress as an attempt to help destigmatize the mentally retarded. According to leaked details, the rise of AOC was a brazen attempt for the Democrat party to fortify the final piece of their victim-centric coalition. “We…
Category: Health
Doctors: Grinch’s Heart Growing 'Three Sizes That Day' Likely Due To Vaccine
Mt. CRUMPIT — Medical experts now have strong cause to believe that the Grinch suffered from a massive case of myocarditis following his third Moderna shot. Before the discovery, it was widely assumed that the Grinch’s heart rapidly grew three sizes because of his newfound understanding of the meaning of Christmas. “Unfortunately, we see no…
David French: 'The Conservative Case For Colorful Fentanyl Tablets Mixed In With Your Kid's Halloween Candy'
David French, a guest contributor, wrote the following piece: It’s been a few years since I famously called drag queen story hour a ‘blessing of liberty.’ The comment ruffled some feathers, but real conservatives like Lindsey Graham still greet me with a warm, multi-minute embrace. Therefore, I’d say that remark is aging like a fine…
Matt Walsh Sets World Record For Correctly Assuming 2,000 Consecutive Genders
TENNESSEE- Amateur gender knower and all-around man’s man, Matt Walsh put on perhaps his most jaw-dropping performance at the Nashville West Shopping Center this week. While waiting for his wife to leave the little-known Jeremy’s Modest Lingerie retail store, The Daily Wire host began casually assuming the genders of those passing him. Soon, people began…
White House To Impose 1-Day Lockdown On Tuesday So They Can Take Credit For All 158 Million Jobs Coming Back On Wednesday
WASHINGTON, DC—For those in need of some positive economic news, fictional president Joe Biden will mandate a lockdown of all businesses for one day starting on Tuesday. When asked, Biden said the stay-at-home order was because “The monkey pop is coming, and no one’s butt is safe.” But skeptics believe the real reason was given…