Welp—that’s a wrap for homosexuality. That’s what the little-known Monkeypox task force run by Mike Pence informed the globe on Monday.  The move came after the ape-like virus made its way to the USA and President Donald Trump called for a “complete and total shutdown of gay people until we find out what the hell…

BERKELEY, CA– Since there aren’t any problems to speak of in America, prominent Democrats have been hard at work creating ‘Ultimate Gender,’ a gender that combines all known genders like at the end of every Power Rangers episode. “With Ultra MAGA lurking, we felt we needed to build the swiss army knife of genitalia,” Pete…

ANDOVER, MA– On Thursday, Pfizer announced it had concluded Phase 3 of clinical trials on their new pill, DaCocknbaulz, a revolutionary new drug designed to prevent males from becoming pregnant.  The oral medication has proven to be 100% effective, a first in the pharmaceutical industry. “Yep.  Once this pill is distributed, we can guarantee you…

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—On Friday, Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato was spotted combing through a New Jersey area Walgreens hoping to buy 22 million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards. “If we don’t mail these out, the shee—I mean, human people will be furious with us.  Without these cards, what’s left of their…