WASHINGTON, DC– Fictional President Joe Biden has graciously offered to hold down any children who might get a little squirmy during their vaccine shot. During a Thursday COVID press conference, Dr. Fauci addressed concerns about the new vaccine. He mentioned that the hair growing on people’s palms is “probably normal,” and all children should…
Category: Health
Health Update: Trump Back To Doing Push-ups With The Clap In The Middle
PALM BEACH, FL—America is rejoicing after hearing the news that Donald Trump, despite nearly being killed over the weekend, has fully regained his ability to do two hundred consecutive push-ups with the clap in the middle. The media, many of whom were praying his injured ear would result in some type of fatal infection, was…
Fresh Shipment Of Adderall To White House Suggests Biden Will Be President Another Week
WASHINGTON, DC — A massive delivery of Adderall to the White House has alerted the nation that Joe Biden will be President for at least another week. Biden, who pours the pills into a large popcorn bag and consumes them by the fistful, was joyful shortly after ripping into the shipment. “Good afternoon, friends and lovers!”…
BREAKING: Biden To Be Placed Into Medically Induced Coma Until After 2024 Election
WASHINGTON, DC—It looks like America may have seen the last of ol’ Joe for a while. Jill Biden announced Thursday that, in a totally normal strategic move, she has decided to place her husband under a medically induced coma until moments after the 2024 election is fortified. The decision came after Biden agreed to appear on…
Biden's Doctor: A Great Work-Life Balance By Barely Working And Barely Living
WILMINGTON, DE – Maintaining a good work-life balance is essential. And credit where credit’s due, fictional President Joe Biden has struck an admirable equilibrium between the two. “I’ve practiced medicine for over thirty years, and I can barely detect a life,” a White House doctor said of Biden. “And when you juxtapose that with bearly…