WASHINGTON, DC—It looks like America may have seen the last of ol’ Joe for a while. Jill Biden announced Thursday that, in a totally normal strategic move, she has decided to place her husband under a medically induced coma until moments after the 2024 election is fortified. The decision came after Biden agreed to appear on…
Category: Health
Biden's Doctor: A Great Work-Life Balance By Barely Working And Barely Living
WILMINGTON, DE – Maintaining a good work-life balance is essential. And credit where credit’s due, fictional President Joe Biden has struck an admirable equilibrium between the two. “I’ve practiced medicine for over thirty years, and I can barely detect a life,” a White House doctor said of Biden. “And when you juxtapose that with bearly…
White House Doctor: 'Joe’s Having Such A Bad Week He Actually Remembers Some Of It'
WASHINGTON, DC – How bad was Joe Biden’s week? Well, according to his personal doctor, the news was so monumentally catastrophic for him; the fictional president actually recalled some of the specific events. “I knew something was wrong when he woke up, and he remembered who he was,” the doctor explained. “But then he yelled, ‘That damn…
Joe Biden Dazzles Press With Amazing Leaping Ability, Balance
WASHINGTON, DC — As rumors swirl that Joe Biden is barely alive, the fictional President put his doubters to shame with a masterful series of backflips and somersaults on Monday. “See? You can even kick him, and he won’t lose balance. Watch,” Jill told the press as she forcefully pushed Biden with his leg. Joe…
College Student Given 68 Years To Live After Contracting New COVID Variant
WASHINGTON, DC — When famed pharmaceutical rep Anthony Fauci heard that 19-year-old Colton Lewis was walking through a Target without a mask, the salesman prepared himself to deliver a tough conversation with the young man. Colton, still at the Target store when Fauci arrived, was approached by the doctor. “Excuse me, Colton? Can you please…