It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my TV keeps telling me how many men (BARF!) and women have died from COVID, but nothing about the other 62 genders. Not only is this hateful, but it’s also factually incorrect. My roommate was a pansexual (only attracted to pots and pans) and…
Category: Health
CDC Grants Full Approval For Taco Bell’s BeanBlaster Supremes™ So Now You Have To Eat One
IRVINE, CA — After a 2.3 billion dollar ad campaign and demanding millions of Americans shove one down their gullet, Taco Bell is thrilled to announce that their BeanBlaster Supreme™ has been approved for human consumption by the CDC. “Individuals ranging from four through thirty-five years of age can now safely put our delicious BeanBlaster…
Big Pharma CEOs Spotted Looking For 22 Million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—On Wednesday, Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato was one of several big pharma CEOs spotted combing through a New Jersey area Walgreens hoping to buy 22 million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards. “If we don’t mail these out, the shee—I mean, human people will be furious with us. Without…
Doctor Confirms Bernie Has Built A Huge Movement, Recommends Fiber
MONTPELIER, VT — Fresh off a month-long press junket promoting his new book, Capitalism Just Doesn’t Work: And I’ll Tell You Why For $39.99, Bernie Sanders began experiencing some mild pain in his abdomen and went in to have it checked out. “So Mr. Sanders, it appears you’ve built up quite a movement,” Dr. Jacobs…
Democrats Finally Admit AOC Was Only Installed To Destigmatize The Mentally Ill
WASHINGTON, DC — Top Democrats are finally admitting what most Americans have suspected for years: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was only installed into Congress as an attempt to help destigmatize the mentally ill. According to leaked details, the rise of AOC was a brazen attempt for the Democrat party to fortify the final piece of their victim-centric coalition. “We…