PALM BEACH, FL—America is rejoicing after hearing the news that Donald Trump, despite nearly being killed over the weekend, has fully regained his ability to do two hundred consecutive push-ups with the clap in the middle. The media, many of whom were praying his injured ear would result in some type of fatal infection, was…
Category: Health
Fresh Shipment Of Adderall To White House Suggests Biden Will Be President Another Week
WASHINGTON, DC — A massive delivery of Adderall to the White House has alerted the nation that Joe Biden will be President for at least another week. Biden, who pours the pills into a large popcorn bag and consumes them by the fistful, was joyful shortly after ripping into the shipment. “Good afternoon, friends and lovers!”…
BREAKING: Biden To Be Placed Into Medically Induced Coma Until After 2024 Election
WASHINGTON, DC—It looks like America may have seen the last of ol’ Joe for a while. Jill Biden announced Thursday that, in a totally normal strategic move, she has decided to place her husband under a medically induced coma until moments after the 2024 election is fortified. The decision came after Biden agreed to appear on…
White House Doctor: 'Joe’s Having Such A Bad Week He Actually Remembers Some Of It'
WASHINGTON, DC – How bad was Joe Biden’s week? Well, according to his personal doctor, the news was so monumentally catastrophic for him; the fictional president actually recalled some of the specific events. “I knew something was wrong when he woke up, and he remembered who he was,” the doctor explained. “But then he yelled, ‘That damn…
Joe Biden Dazzles Press With Amazing Leaping Ability, Balance
WASHINGTON, DC — As rumors swirl that Joe Biden is barely alive, the fictional President put his doubters to shame with a masterful series of backflips and somersaults on Monday. “See? You can even kick him, and he won’t lose balance. Watch,” Jill told the press as she forcefully pushed Biden with his leg. Joe…