MALIBU, CA — A paddle boarder was arrested after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean and grant them pandemic amnesty on Monday. County lifeguards were heard screaming to the young man via bullhorn, “It was the fog of COVID! How were we supposed to know you still had rights? So let’s just…
Category: Health
Caveman Used Right To Free Healthcare To Heal After T-Rex Attack, Paleontologist Say
WYOMING – As brilliant geriatric socialists like Bernie Sanders have taught us, there is a universal right to free healthcare. So it was no surprise when Scientists at the University of Wyoming discovered evidence showing a caveman used this perk to recover from a T-Rex attack. The team of paleontologists uncovered an ancient hospital filing…
Unable To Speak, FBI Provides John Fetterman Helpful Stump Speech
PHILADELPHIA, PA— When it comes to elections, the FBI doesn’t like to get involved if the Democrat has it in the bag. But every so often, a progressive candidate takes one too many boosters, and their brain explodes. That’s what happened with John Fetterman, causing the FBI to step in to write his stump speech.…
Abrams: ‘There Is No Such Thing As A 6-Piece Nugget Meal. It’s Manufactured To Dupe People Away From 40-Piece’
ATLANTA, GA — The six-piece chicken nugget meal is actually a hoax perpetrated by powerful men running the fast food industry Stacey Abrams claimed earlier this week. The popular Georgia Democrat explained that a six-piece meal is an “elaborate distraction” from the more sensible forty-piece. “No such thing. My question to the six-piece-truthers is, how…
Jill Biden Signs Executive Order Legalizing Elder Abuse
WASHINGTON, DC — On Monday, Jill Biden placed her foot on the lower back of her husband and forcefully shoved him to the ground. Then she demanded a White House staffer hand her a pen. The cap was stuck tightly at first, but nevertheless, she persisted. Moments later, she had signed a groundbreaking executive order that officially…