NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking move, the NBA has announced the implementation of an extra timeout specifically designed to address the wave of mostly peaceful heart attacks their players will be having in the 2023-2024 season. Unlike traditional timeouts, a coach will be granted this stoppage of play by screaming, “HELP! WE’RE HAVING…

It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my TV keeps telling me how many men (BARF!) and women have died from COVID, but nothing about the other 62 genders. Not only is this hateful, but it’s also factually incorrect. My roommate was a pansexual (only attracted to pots and pans) and…

IRVINE, CA — After a 2.3 billion dollar ad campaign and demanding millions of Americans shove one down their gullet, Taco Bell is thrilled to announce that their BeanBlaster Supreme™ has been approved for human consumption by the CDC. “Individuals ranging from four through thirty-five years of age can now safely put our delicious BeanBlaster…

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—On Wednesday, Johnson & Johnson CEO Joaquin Duato was one of several big pharma CEOs spotted combing through a New Jersey area Walgreens hoping to buy 22 million ‘Sorry We Gave Everyone Blood Clots’ Greeting Cards. “If we don’t mail these out, the shee—I mean, human people will be furious with us.  Without…

MONTPELIER, VT — Fresh off a month-long press junket promoting his new book, Capitalism Just Doesn’t Work: And I’ll Tell You Why For $39.99, Bernie Sanders began experiencing some mild pain in his abdomen and went in to have it checked out. “So Mr. Sanders, it appears you’ve built up quite a movement,” Dr. Jacobs…