HOUSTON, TX–On Monday afternoon, the hundreds of Apollo Mission Control employees erupted with excitement when the Mars Rover discovered the first microaggressions on the distant planet. It’s been well documented that planet Earth had run bone-dry of new aggressions–even the microscopic ones. Because the fate of the Democrat party relies on this precious source of energy,…

BOSTON, MA — Gender-specific phrases are insensitive and outdated. Yet according to a new Pew Research study, 89% of Americans lack the balls to stop using them. Even worse news, when confronted about their use of gender-centric phrases, a whopping 96% of them were total dicks about it. “I don’t understand it. We showed these numb…

CHESTER COUNTY, PA — In recent years, America has been introduced to a new species of ballots that only come out at around 2:00 am.  They’re being called ‘Nocturnal Ballots’ and many scientists believed they had gone extinct following the 2000 Florida recount. The crew from Plant Earth has assembled teams to study the majestic…

NEW YORK– FiveThirtyEight pollster, Nate Silver has formally asked all the news programs to stop citing his polls and then immediately playing audio of people laughing. “My polls are not some joke on a sitcom!  They’re serious!” Silver screamed to CNN producers.  “The Democrats are up 12 points on the generic ballot, and nine of ten…

As millions of American children are now being homeschooled, many kids are dealing with the jarring transition to their radical pro-America teachers. “What is with Mr. Anderson?” 9-year-old Hanna Anderson sighed after another bizarre day being taught by her father.  A normal school day for Hanna consisted of 1st-period math, which is the counting of…