HOUSTON, TX–On Wednesday afternoon, the hundreds of Apollo Mission Control employees erupted with excitement when the Mars Rover discovered the first microaggressions on the distant planet. It’s been well documented that planet Earth had run bone-dry of new aggressions–even the microscopic ones. Because the fate of the Democrat party relies on this precious source of energy,…
Category: Studies & Science
Extremely Rare All-White Humpback Spotted, Immediately Shot By BLM
SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Just one in one million humpback whales are completely white, and marine scientists were thrilled to spot one in the East Bay near Oakland on Sunday. Naturally, a member of the Oakland BLM chapter shot the whale directly in the blowhole the moment it breached the surface. Many believed the researchers provoked the…
Nate Silver Demands The News Stop Playing Laugh Tracks After Citing His Polls
NEW YORK– FiveThirtyEight pollster Nate Silver has formally asked all the news programs to stop citing his polls and immediately play audio of people laughing. “My polls are not some joke on a sitcom! They’re serious!” Silver screamed to CNN producers. “The Democrats are up 12 points on the generic ballot, and nine of ten people…
Feds Warn More Eerie UFO News Could Drop If Further Biden Crimes Exposed
WASHINGTON, DC – Federal officials acknowledge a mysterious link between whistleblowers proving Joe Biden’s crimes and UFO sightings, John Kirby informed Monday. Kirby, famous for making a super-serious face to compensate for his ridiculous last name, grew frustrated at the press for overlooking the recent other-worldly sightings. “Sir, we have 4K footage of a father/son…
Study: Without Booster Shots, Pharmaceutical Companies Won’t Make A Crap Ton More Money
A new study is rocking the fake doctor community, and Dr. Fauci is sounding the alarm. The study, sanctioned by the Land Rover Of Huntington Beach dealership next to the Pfizer headquarters, finds that without a never-ending stream of booster shots, pharmaceutical companies will likely not rake in a crap ton more money. “Some would say…