CHESTER COUNTY, PA — In recent years, America has been introduced to a new species of ballots that only come out at around 2:00 am. They’re being called ‘Nocturnal Ballots’ and many scientists believed they had gone extinct following the 2000 Florida recount. The crew from Plant Earth has assembled teams to study the majestic…
Category: Studies & Science
Nate Silver Demands The News Stop Playing Laugh Tracks After Citing His Polls
NEW YORK– FiveThirtyEight pollster, Nate Silver has formally asked all the news programs to stop citing his polls and then immediately playing audio of people laughing. “My polls are not some joke on a sitcom! They’re serious!” Silver screamed to CNN producers. “The Democrats are up 12 points on the generic ballot, and nine of ten…
Homeschooled Kids Baffled By Radical Pro-America Teachers
As millions of American children are now being homeschooled, many kids are dealing with the jarring transition to their radical pro-America teachers. “What is with Mr. Anderson?” 9-year-old Hanna Anderson sighed after another bizarre day being taught by her father. A normal school day for Hanna consisted of 1st-period math, which is the counting of…
Caveman Used Right To Free Healthcare To Heal After T-Rex Attack, Paleontologist Say
WYOMING – As brilliant geriatric socialists like Bernie Sanders have taught us, there is a universal right to free healthcare. So it was no surprise when Scientists at the University of Wyoming discovered evidence showing a caveman used this perk to recover from a T-Rex attack. The team of paleontologists uncovered an ancient hospital filing…
'Those Borders Sure Look Secure' Biden Says Of Jurassic Park
WASHINGTON, DC. –As word from the Costa Rica Government continues to detail the herd of bloodthirsty dinosaurs rampaging through Jurassic Park, the Biden administration still refuses to call it a crisis. “We’ve seen the reports, and we’ll continue to monitor the situation, but that theme park is still a beacon of safety and security,” Karine…