WASHINGTON, DC – Federal officials acknowledge a mysterious link between whistleblowers proving Joe Biden’s crimes and UFO sightings, John Kirby informed Monday.
Kirby, famous for making a super-serious face to compensate for his ridiculous last name, grew frustrated at the press for overlooking the recent other-worldly sightings.
“Sir, we have 4K footage of a father/son video chat wherein the President agrees to divert 60% of defense spending to satisfy Hunter’s hooker, heroin, and Skittles addiction. What the actual f***?” James Rosen asked.
“We’ll have plenty of time to talk wild conspiracy theories later,” an annoyed Kerby replied. “Today, I think we should be talking about that spooky report out of Arizona. Did ya’ll see that? I mean…you don’t think it could be real UFOs, do you?”
Rosen, undeterred, kept pressing.
“In the video chat, Hunter explains, and I quote, ‘We’ll call the money for my hookers, heroin, and Skittles HHS spending. That sounds official enough so all your retarded cabinet members will believe it’s a legit program and will blindly cover for us.’ What do you say about that, Admiral?”
“Oh, that’s just talk about HHS funding,” Kirby quickly said. “What I’m worried about are those TEN-FOOT-TALL SPACE ALIENS that a whole town saw. Such a bummer they didn’t record it with a smartphone, right? DAMN IT! So close!”
Update: The Pentagon has warned potential whistleblowers at the IRS and FBI that if they bring any more proof of Biden’s criminality, they’ll be forced to confirm that the Loch Ness monster is probably in the Potomac River.
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