DALLAS, TX – As many suspected, the entire Joe Biden presidency was concocted by the marketing department over at Southwest Airlines. The commercial, nearing completion, will showcase a comical montage of the US economy collapsing, the vanquished energy sector, and poopy-pants Biden looking confused. Then the signature, “Wanna Get Away?” voice-over we all love so much,…
Category: Biden
Nation Begs Biden To Stop Awarding Young Girls With ‘Looks Like She’s 19-Years-Old’ Medals
WASHINGTON, DC — Joe Biden is facing political pressure to stop spotting little girls in crowds and awarding them with his custom “Looks Like She’s 19-Years-Old’ medals. The latest incident occurred on Monday when Biden found a 10-year-old and awkwardly broke from his prepared remarks. “So Cornpop and I decided to ride home. We had done our job, and…
Needing To Kill Russians Without Firing A Shot, Biden Asks Alec Baldwin To Go To Ukraine
WASHINGTON, D.C.– The White House is sending Alec ‘Hot Shot’ Baldwin to Ukraine after the administration decided they need to conquer Russia, without actually firing a weapon. “Allen! It’s me! Jill’s first lady’s brother, Joe Baldwin!” Biden began his call to the actor. “I need you on the first train to Ukraine! And pack your magic trigger…
Joe Biden Achieves Excellent Work-Life Balance By Barely Working And Barely Living
WILMINGTON, DE – Maintaining a good work-life balance is essential. And credit where credit’s due, fictional President Joe Biden has struck an admirable equilibrium between the two. “I’ve practiced medicine for over thirty years, and I can barely detect a life,” a White House doctor said of Biden. “And when you juxtapose that with bearly…
White House: Wave Of ‘Died Suddenly’ Incidences Likely Due To Gas Stoves
WASHINGTON, DC – As the wave of people dying suddenly reaches preposterous levels, the likely cause is something many people have quietly suspected. Gas stoves. If you’re skeptical, consider this: Even Joe Biden is now saying these appliances are to blame—and he’s a legitimate President. “My fellow A..Ar..Armenians, unless you’ve been living under Iraq for…