ATLANTA, GA–On Tuesday, a 13-year-old professional dog whistle hearer was brought on to CNN’s airwaves to help identify any racist dog whistles the network may have missed. A yellow lab named Winston gingerly hopped up onto a chair next to Don Lemon. The dog was asked to carefully listen to the following clip of Governor, Ron…
Category: Media & Tech
Portland To Launch ‘Portland+’
PORTLAND, OR– On Monday, the city of Portland announced it would introduce a slightly more shitty replica of itself just outside the city limits. “We have acquired a large, family-friendly suburb of Beaverton that will soon be known as Portland+. But don’t you worry, we will be giving the people what they want: An exact…
Matt Walsh Sets World Record For Correctly Assuming 2,000 Consecutive Genders
TENNESSEE- Amateur gender knower and all-around man’s man, Matt Walsh put on perhaps his most jaw-dropping performance at the Nashville West Shopping Center this week. While waiting for his wife to leave the little-known Jeremy’s Modest Lingerie retail store, The Daily Wire host began casually assuming the genders of those passing him. Soon, people began…
Joy Reid Breaks Rubik's Cube World Record By Coloring All The Squares Black Real Quick
NEW YORK, NY –They say African-Americans can’t dominate sports, but don’t tell that to MSNBC’s Joy Reid. The cable host shattered the Rubik’s Cube world record on Thursday by completing the puzzle in only 5.7 seconds. Her secret? Grabbing a black sharpie and coloring all six sides black super fast. “As soon as I saw those…
Biden Calls Tucker Carlson ‘Taliban-Like’, Reflexively Gives Him $82 Billion In Military Equipment
WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama’s greatest skill as President was showering the Taliban with riches. But over the years, it seems someone with beady little eyes was watching his every move. That is why shortly after Joe Biden called Tucker Carlson ‘Taliban-like’ on his national address titled, Hitler? I Hardly Know Her, the fictional president impulsively sent $82 billion worth…