Menlo Park, CA– After stumbling across a video of President Donald Trump hitting a golf ball that eventually smacks Hillary Clinton in the back of the head, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg made the startling observation that the conservatives he hates so much are actually the coolest people in the world. Reportedly, Zuckerberg went into a…
Category: Media & Tech

Ratings Win: America Turns To CNN On Night Where Goal Is To Drop The Ball
NEW YORK–CNN’s New Year’s special titled “2024: That Oughta Do It!” was dedicated to the network’s amazing progress towards destroying the nation. And because CNN has become ground zero for people dropping the ball, they actually trounced all the other broadcasts in the ratings. In fact, the network had become so accustomed to only reaching a few…

Uh-Oh. CNN Viewership Drops So Low, Jeffrey Toobin Thinks He's All Alone In Studio
ATLANTA, GA— On Tuesday morning, a shaken-up CNN intern was seen writing a large zero on a sign that read “Days since Jeffrey Toobin accidentally masturbated to an unsuspecting audience.” Yes, it was a horribly graphic Monday night after Lubin’ Toobin (as he’s referred to in the industry) felt as if he was all alone…

Trump: Mandatory Tucker Carlson Curriculum Added To All Daycares
WASHINGTON, DC –– Effective January 20th, Donald Trump will kick off Operation Mother Tucker, a mandate that requires all daycare centers in America to air a daily, five-hour Tucker Carlson curriculum for the children to consume. A polite program has been underway for weeks and is showing promising results. “We’ve seen so much overreach from the…

David French: 'The Conservative Case For Colorful Fentanyl Tablets Mixed In With Your Kid's Halloween Candy'
David French, a guest contributor, wrote the following piece: It’s been a few years since I famously called drag queen story hour a ‘blessing of liberty.’ The comment ruffled some feathers, but real conservatives like Lindsey Graham still greet me with a warm, multi-minute embrace. Therefore, I’d say that remark is aging like a fine…