ATLANTA, GA— On Tuesday morning, a shaken-up CNN intern was seen writing a large zero on a sign that read “Days since Jeffrey Toobin accidentally masturbated to an unsuspecting audience.”
Yes, it was a horribly graphic Monday night after Lubin’ Toobin (as he’s referred to in the industry) felt as if he was all alone due to CNN’s unthinkably low viewership stats. With an entire camera crew filming him live, he then performed an unspeakable act.
“I told myself there was only a 15-20% chance of putting myself in that position again!” a depressed Toobin said about the event. “I was embarrassed enough. But they didn’t have to yell ‘cut!’ right after and startle me!”
After apologizing to the crew, Jeffrey walked into a producer’s meeting, slammed a handful of cash on the table, and yelled, “I’m out!”
Thankfully, the Toobster’s finely tuned instinct was accurate; no one was watching CNN. But that fact didn’t calm down a furious Chris Wallace.
“I left my Sunday show at Fox to hold the boom mic over Jeff as he… did that?” Wallace screamed. “I’m a cable news star! I once passed Tucker Carlson—yes, the Tucker Carlson in the hallway. He was even fully clothed!”
Update: During Wallace’s rant, an executive told him to ‘shut up’ and explained his job was now to follow Toobin around with a mop.
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