Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

Pelosi Reluctantly Passes Stimulus Bill Without Fully Funding Liposuction For Overweight Raccoons

After days of partisan bickering, a stimulus bill is done.  “But without the 12.2 billion needed for raccoons struggling with their weight,” a fuming Nancy Pelosi muttered. “As important as it is to put food on the tables for American citizens, it’s equally important to remove some food from our nation’s raccoons,” Pelosi explained.  “Republicans…

My Pillow To Replace The Dollar as US Currency

My Pillow To Replace The Dollar as US Currency

As America’s economy tumbles, the US Treasury has finally made the announcement many anticipated:  My Pillow will officially replace the dollar as US currency. “Well, I think the dollar had a good run,” President Trump told the press.  “But in these times of uncertainty, we need to rely on something with intrinsic value that’s recognized…

Dow Jones Plummets to Dreaded “Obama’s High-Water Mark” Level

Dow Jones Plummets to Dreaded “Obama’s High-Water Mark” Level

The media finds themselves in a bit of a pickle.  They want to mock Donald Trump’s now plummeting stock market levels very badly.  However, they must also continue to show great reverence to those same numbers, as it was Barack Obama’s high-water mark. Rachel Maddow exemplified this conundrum during her show Monday: “And would you…

Local Man Arrested For Suggesting We Should Turn The Economy Back On

Local Man Arrested For Suggesting We Should Turn The Economy Back On

Gary Booker of Fredericksburg, Texas was detained by local authorities early this week for suggesting the United States of America consider ‘turning the economy back on.’ Witnesses tell The Glorious American that Gary was saying hysterical things like, “We can’t just all not work for 30 weeks,” and “We’re going to have a 60% unemployment…

Trump Works Hard To Grant Americans $1,000 Checks, Dems Working Harder To Tax Checks At 65%

Trump Works Hard To Grant Americans $1,000 Checks, Dems Working Harder To Tax Checks At 65%

Donald Trump wants to write checks to Americans struggling to get through the coronavirus crisis, but democrats claim that violates their strict policy of hoarding all the nation’s money for themselves.  Within minutes of the stimulus announcement, House Democrats began hopping around the capital building like the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz with anticipation…