WASHINGTON, DC — As fictional President Joe Biden begins fading away like a terrifying nightmare, he is facing political pressure to stop spotting little girls in crowds and awarding them with his custom ‘Looks Like She’s 19-Years-Old’ medals.
The latest incident occurred on Tuesday when Biden found a 10-year-old and awkwardly broke from his prepared remarks.
“So Cornpop and I decided to ride home. We had done our job, and our white hoods were getting dirty. So then we… well, well, well. What do we have here?” Biden said, zeroing in on the child. “Would you look at her? Wowzers. I’ve died and gone to heaven. Those barrettes in her hair. Oh, that hair. Pantene Pro-V? I’m kidding. I know it is. I can smell it from here. In fact, get up on stage with me. I think you’ve won a very special award.”
At that point, a Biden staffer walked onto the stage and sprayed the President with a fire extinguisher.
“Please, Joe. Please just read the prompter. Don’t give her one of your … uh, medals,” the aide whispered.
“I absolutely will. She’s earned it! Plus, I’ve not talked about her legs yet!” he snapped. “I can’t be rude, ya dog-faced pony soldier?”
The audience then sat through seventeen awkward minutes of Biden describing the child’s legs before eventually draping his custom ‘Looks Like She’s 19-Years-Old’ medals over her head.
Update: As Biden faces heat for being a sexual predator, The Lincoln Project is urging Americans to be accepting of Joe. “We at the LP know A LOT about urges. And we believe this type of behavior should be accepted. Expunged from records and accepted!”
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