Ottawa, CA — We now have an answer about what caused the smoky haze that’s molesting everyone harder than Joe Biden at the bottom of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. “Here they are. The Prime Minister’s pants. He lied so aggressively that they burst into flames, and we believe this is the origin of…
Category: Studies & Science
Study: 89% Of Americans Don’t Have The Balls To Stop Using Gender-Specific Phrases
BOSTON, MA — Gender-specific phrases are insensitive and outdated. Yet according to a new Pew Research study, 89% of Americans lack the balls to stop using them. Even worse news, when confronted about their use of gender-centric phrases, a whopping 96% of them were total dicks about it. “I don’t understand it. We showed these numb…
Nate Silver Demands The News Stop Playing Laugh Tracks After Citing His Polls
NEW YORK– FiveThirtyEight pollster, Nate Silver has formally asked all the news programs to stop citing his polls and then immediately playing audio of people laughing. “My polls are not some joke on a sitcom! They’re serious!” Silver screamed to CNN producers. “The Democrats are up 12 points on the generic ballot, and nine of ten…
Homeschooled Kids Baffled By Radical Pro-America Teachers
As millions of American children are now being homeschooled, many kids are dealing with the jarring transition to their radical pro-America teachers. “What is with Mr. Anderson?” 9-year-old Hanna Anderson sighed after another bizarre day being taught by her father. A normal school day for Hanna consisted of 1st-period math, which is the counting of…
Caveman Used Right To Free Healthcare To Heal After T-Rex Attack, Paleontologist Say
WYOMING – As brilliant geriatric socialists like Bernie Sanders have taught us, there is a universal right to free healthcare. So it was no surprise when Scientists at the University of Wyoming discovered evidence showing a caveman used this perk to recover from a T-Rex attack. The team of paleontologists uncovered an ancient hospital filing…