PALM BEACH, FL—America is rejoicing after hearing the news that Donald Trump, despite nearly being killed over the weekend, has fully regained his ability to do two hundred consecutive push-ups with the clap in the middle.
The media, many of whom were praying his injured ear would result in some type of fatal infection, was furious at the video Trump released showcasing his feat.
“Ok, everyone, they tried to take me down, but you’re about to see what God’s help, 60 years of an all-red-meat diet, and french fries can do for the human body,” he said, looking at the camera while shaking both of his arms to loosen them up. “Sleepy Joe couldn’t even do one of these, that I can tell you.”
The President then dropped out of frame to begin his push-ups, leaving the viewers only to hear his grunts and claps. Lindsay Graham occasionally popped into the frame to tell everyone that Trump’s form was ‘beautiful’ and ‘perfectly exquisite.’ “And those claps. I don’t often use the word angelic, but the power and grace of these claps are like that of the angel Gabriel,” Graham reported.
Soon, a somehow shirtless Trump arose back into the frame and gave a message of encouragement to the American people.
“Remember, patriots, the radical left will try to get you down. But the only thing we need to fear is fear itself and Nancy Pelosi. So if you’re ever worried about the violent left, just remember the beautiful sound of my claps,” he said, followed by a heartfelt wink.
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