FORT MCNAIR — Under Secretary Hegseth’s instructions, the US military is now telling Female soldiers to be ready one hour before the actual deployment time, a Pentagon statement revealed Friday
Under the Biden administration, troops were sent overseas to search for new genders on several occasions. However, each deployment was greatly delayed as women soldiers were scrambling to get ready.
“‘Just ten more minutes!’ they always yell as we sit in the hot plane,” a Lieutenant said. “And ten minutes usually means forty. We totally missed invading Kuwait in mid-July because many of the women wanted to straighten their hair that morning.”
But under the new and innovative Secretary of Defense, an idea was hatched demanding all of the women soldiers be given special clocks.
“The Old Testament tells us women are physically unable to be on time,” Hegseth explained. “It’s not in their nature. So these special clocks, which are also synchronized with their periods, will trick them into quitting the military altoget—errr, I mean, to be on time.”
When the press heard of this tactic, they were furious. But then Pete, in a delightful tone, asked the media members if they ‘wanted a treat?’ A second later, Hegseath pretended to throw the treat across the White House lawn, which sent the press corps scremabling to find it.
UPDATE: Unfortunately, the public nature of the announcement has tipped off the women soldiers to this tactic.
“Oh, I see. Well, then now I can’t trust you anymore! How do you like that?” Deborah Collins snapped at the United States military. “I’m seven months pregnant, and it’s taking me longer than ever to shave my legs. We can be a little late to bomb Syria. It’s fine!”
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