WASHINGTON, DC – Dressed like an elf, a frustrated Karine Jean-Pierre angrily announced that Americans would need to show their government-issued ‘Jolly Passport’ to prove they are filled with the appropriate levels of glee this holiday season. Also, the National Guard dressed in Santa hats will go door-to-door to extract this holiday joy by force.
Operation Merriment Mandate has been enacted because U.S. citizens continue to show record levels of poor morale, something the Biden administration explicitly forbade during their reign.
“For training, they told us to watch that scene in Christmas Vacation where the S.W.A.T team breaks in,” a guard reported. “Americans will be given to the count of three to get jolly, or it’ll be a blood bath.”
Thankfully, scenes like this are happening all over the country:
“LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS!” screamed a soldier at a family after shattering through a sliding glass door. “I DON’T SEE ANY BELLS IN YOUR HANDS! WHAT’S THE MATTER—YOU DON’T LIKE THE ENCHANTING SOUND OF JINGLE BELLS?!”
Sadly, this family could neither show their Jolly Passport nor stop crying. So, standard protocol was used.
“We shot their dog,” General Mark Milley explained. “This just proves that we want higher levels of holiday cheer than any other administration. Let me be clear; we’ll make you feel deep, authentic joy by any means necessary. Up to and including using deadly force.”
Update: Feeling warm inside about how wonderful Donald Trump’s new presidency will be is now strictly forbidden.
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