Harrisburg, PA: Even though the tears were welling up in his eyes, Govenor Josh Shapiro delivered a strong and powerful message to the arsonist who tried to destroy his life.
“Look around. Look at my house. Look at my young children still weeping with fear,” he said, pointing at his family. “I want the radical liberal democrat who did this to know I see you. I see the powerful message you’ve sent.”
Just then, a report asked if ‘the message’ the Governor was referring to was the large spraypainted “I HATE RETARD JOSH SHAPIRO AND HIS STUPID FAT ASS!” prominently shown just feet above his press conference.”
“Well, no, not… that particular message,” Shapiro nervously replied. “I’m talking about the larger message. The message of hope this loyal democrat was trying to share.”
“Oh, you mean THAT message?” another reporter asked, pointing to a gigantic spraypainted text that read, “GOVERNOR JOSH SHAPIRO HAS A MICRO PENIS!”
Noticing this for the first time, a now frustrated Shapiro audibly gasped and eventually explained this was also not the message he endorsed.
“I …just. Listen, what I’m trying to say is I love the type of voter who did this,” he yelled. I can build a new house. I can get a new wife and kids. But what can I not do? I can’t make criminals and arsonists not vote for us Democrats!”
Update: Following his remarks, a local Philadelphia gang arrived and began beating the hell out of the entire Shapiro family in a heartwarming and mostly peaceful display of support.
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