WESLEY HEIGHTS, DC — After a long day of walking back a few dozen statements he had said the previous day, Dr. Fauci treated himself to his favorite evening tradition: Watching the last five minutes of Old Yeller on a loop for three hours. “I know people look at what I’m doing with COVID and…

SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom feels he needs to relocate. The California governor recently cut an ad explaining how he must move his family (and friends) to Florida to better understand the hellacious dystopia Ron DeSantis has created. While hastily packing up a U-Haul, Newsom spoke to the media.  “This decision breaks my heart. It’s like…

CHICAGO, IL — On Wednesday, Chicago citizens (and non-citizens) decided they weren’t fond of being shot in the ass anymore, and Lori Lightfoot lost her reelection bid. In a bizarre concession speech, the bug-like creature announced she had grown tired of “inclusion” and said it would only socialize with people who look like…it. “For years…

ATLANTA, GA– CNN’s Don Lemon remains in critical condition after an intern called him ‘Donald’ on Thursday.  Doctors say Lemon is lucky to be alive after suffering two strokes, a grand mal seizure, and soiling himself. Those who witnessed the attack are also shaken up. “I’ve never seen anything like it.  That intern walked right…

OHIO – The White House has expressed its mild disapproval of Pete Buttigieg for starting dozens of massive explosions after the little perv learned the carnage inevitably attracts swarms of firemen. Pete’s latest sabotage happened in Miami, Ohio—a place the mayor assumed would have ‘the sexiest firemen in the Midwest.’  “Oh, for heaven’s sake!  We’ve…