Mass Panic After Dept. Of Homeland Security Releases Pride-Themed Terror Watch Chart

Mass Panic After Dept. Of Homeland Security Releases Pride-Themed Terror Watch Chart

WASHINGTON, DC – Mass panic erupted throughout the nation after the Department of Homeland Security gave their famous color-coded terror watch chart a ‘pride theme.’ “Holy crap, it’s happening!  Look at this; I’ve never seen Al-Qaeda this pissed!  Everybody run!” screamed a terrified citizen, showing the Department of Homeland’s tweet to everyone in a DC…

New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

New Voting Machines To Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like

MILWAUKEE, WI– Some exciting new ballot receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the CovfefeCount5000. “We’re…