The homeless of Portland, Oregon, have officially threatened city officials with a strike if their dietary needs aren’t met. In a strongly worded piece of cardboard to Mayor Ted Wheeler’s office, their demands were made clear: “We are SICK AND TIRED of being handed breakfast sandwiches PACKED with carbs and sodium. We WILL NO LONGER…
Category: U.S. News
Scientists Anxious To Study The Majestic Nocturnal Ballot Which Only Comes Out At 3 am
CHESTER COUNTY, PA — In recent years, America has been introduced to a new species of ballots that only come out at around 3:00 am. They’re being called ‘Nocturnal Ballots’, and many scientists believed they had gone extinct following the 2000 Florida recount. The crew from Plant Earth has assembled teams to study the majestic…
Report: Joe Biden Presidency Just Elaborate 'Wanna Get Away' Southwest Ad
DALLAS, TX – As many suspected, the entire Joe Biden presidency was concocted by the marketing department over at Southwest Airlines. The commercial, nearing completion, will showcase a comical montage of the US economy collapsing, the vanquished energy sector, and poopy-pants Biden looking confused. Then the signature, “Wanna Get Away?” voice-over we all love so much,…
White House Spins Food Shortage As ‘The Joe Biden Diet’
WASHINGTON, D.C.–If you think a national food shortage could be a problem, you’re probably setting up folding chairs and the refreshment table for your local Qanon meeting at this very moment. At least, that’s what the White House is saying. After most Americans noticed the empty shelves in their local grocery store, this administration unveiled…
Florida Math Teacher Remains In Critical Condition After Going Whole Hour Without Talking About Sex Life
CAPE CAROL, FL— Florida Math teacher, Chester McGroomer spent the weekend in intensive care after withholding details of his sex life from all his students the previous week. McGroomer, who teaches second-grade math, was forced by Governor Ron DeSantis to teach second-grade math. After the controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay Three Times In A Mirror, Or…