Hello, it’s me/zi/zoy Libby McTardo again, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because after my last op-ed, a bunch of you tried to kill me by making fun of me. And if you think I’m exaggerating then you’re a rapist. Anywho, I’m here to ask perhaps the most important question of our time:
How Can You Call Me A ‘Limousine Liberal’ If I Drive The Audi Q8 My Dad Bought Me?
Yes, that’s what Doug Gibson from Fort Lauderdale, Florida called me. Nice try. If I wasn’t so sure “Doug” was a Russian bot, I would tell him this: I got so sick of being called a ‘limousine liberal’ I had my dad trade in my limo for an Audi Q8. OVER. FOUR. MONTHS. AGO. Typical Republican. Spreading misinformation.
But what can one expect from a Florida conservative? They don’t even believe in this week’s science. Ron DeSantis won’t even transform into an African American woman despite my hundreds of emails demanding he do so.
Irreguardless, I like the Audi Q8 better than the limo anyways. Did you know Audi is a division of Volkswagen? I demanded daddy go with a car company without a checkered past, so a German car company was the ticket! Ford and Chevy? No way. Not for Libby McTardo. Those companies were stolen from the Native Americans. My professor told me the Navajo tribe made the first mid-size crossover SUV using nothing but a Buffalo. (Oh my gosh. I’m not sure how I feel about that now).
My Audi Q8 is also better on the environment. It gets almost 13 gallons to the mile and I can put four large styrofoam cups of Jamba Juice in the cupholders!!! I make my dad (barf!) fill it up because I’m not going anywhere near dumb gas station workers (double-barf!!). Each time I tell him to fill it up, I remind him, I want all 13 gallons to be pure electricity. (If you’re reading this, AOC–I’m doing my part!)
Finally, I like safety features too. I don’t know about you, but when I’m part of a car accident where people die, I get SUPER bummed out. And SO MANY idiots would T-bone the limo (am I allowed to say T-bone?). I would stop in an intersection and take the cutest selfies behind the wheel. Then, because EVERYTHING. HAPPENS. TO. ME., a bunch of serious car accidents would randomly occur.
As I sign off, please understand that if anyone ever calls me a ‘Limousine Liberal’ I will run you over with my Audi Q8 and then file a hate crime against what’s left of your corpse. Geez, is it so hard to be decent anymore? Thanks, TRUMP!
Yours (you don’t own me!) Truly,
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