CHICAGO, IL— As Fictional President Joe Biden makes his way through Democrat-run cities, he has repeatedly been heard screaming, “I don’t need a ride, I need ammo!” as mobs of criminals chase him. In a recent visit to Chicago to congratulate Lori Lightfoot on its big surgery, Joe wandered off to look for ice cream…
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Extremely Rare All-White Humpback Spotted, Immediately Shot By BLM
SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Just one in one million humpback whales are completely white, and marine scientists were thrilled to spot one in the East Bay near Oakland on Wednesday. Naturally, a member of the Oakland BLM chapter shot the whale directly in the blowhole the moment it breached the surface. Many believed the researchers provoked the…
Too Far? Ben Shapiro Fires Michael Knowles, Burns Down His House For April Fool’s Joke
NASHVILLE, TN–Daily Wire fans are familiar with Ben Shapiro’s long-standing hostility towards Michael Knowles. But after Shapiro gave Knowles this year’s April Fool’s joke, many are wondering if he went too far. Reportedly, Shapiro drove over to Knowles’ house and informed him that his services were no longer needed at The Daily Wire. Knowles was…
Portland 2nd Grade Teacher Reassigns All Students’ Genders Duck Duck Goose-Style
Portland, OR — On Thursday, Natasha Dudley of Portland’s Hillside Elementary School decided to reassign the gender of all her students. And while that is hardly news in the Rose City, progressives nationwide are admiring the method Natasha used. The gender reassignment was done duck-duck-goose-style. This means Natasha (Ze/Zir) organized the children in a circle…
‘The Squad’ Adds San Diego Weatherman Brick Tamland
WASHINGTON DC — As the four outspoken liberal congresswomen known as “the squad” grow in popularity, they needed to “add another brilliant mind to the club,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez explained to The Glorious American. Armed with a trident and hand grenade, San Diego weatherman Brick Tamland, flew to Washington on Wednesday to officially join the group.…