WHITTIER, CA — Los Angeles convenience store owner Omid Kamran has not been robbed in over three weeks after making some shrewd price adjustments. To help stimulate crime, California lawmakers passed Prop 47, which legalized theft under $950. So Omid simply priced every item in his store at $951. And the results have been astonishing.…
Category: Carousel
White House Asks Pete Buttigieg To Stop Starting Huge Explosions So Firemen Will Show Up
OHIO – The White House has expressed its mild disapproval of Pete Buttigieg for starting dozens of massive explosions after the little perv learned the carnage inevitably attracts swarms of firemen. Pete’s latest sabotage happened in Miami, Ohio—a place the mayor assumed would have ‘the sexiest firemen in the Midwest.’ “Oh, for heaven’s sake! We’ve…
'I Don't Need A Ride, I Need Ammo!' Joe Biden Yells Passing Through Every Democrat-Run City
CHICAGO, IL— As Fictional President Joe Biden makes his way through Democrat-run cities, he has repeatedly been heard screaming, “I don’t need a ride, I need ammo!” as mobs of criminals chase him. In a recent visit to Chicago to congratulate Lori Lightfoot on its big surgery, Joe wandered off to look for ice cream…
Portland 2nd Grade Teacher Reassigns All Students’ Genders Duck Duck Goose-Style
Portland, OR — On Thursday, Natasha Dudley of Portland’s Hillside Elementary School decided to reassign the gender of all her students. And while that is hardly news in the Rose City, progressives nationwide are admiring the method Natasha used. The gender reassignment was done duck-duck-goose-style. This means Natasha (Ze/Zir) organized the children in a circle…
‘The Squad’ Adds San Diego Weatherman Brick Tamland
WASHINGTON DC — As the four outspoken liberal congresswomen known as “the squad” grow in popularity, they needed to “add another brilliant mind to the club,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez explained to The Glorious American. Armed with a trident and hand grenade, San Diego weatherman Brick Tamland, flew to Washington on Wednesday to officially join the group.…