WHITTIER, CA — Los Angeles convenience store owner Omid Kamran has not been robbed in over three weeks after making some shrewd price adjustments. To help stimulate crime, California lawmakers passed Prop 47, which legalized theft under $950. So Omid simply priced every item in his store at $951. And the results have been astonishing.
“Nothing stolen in nearly a month,” Omid said, smiling. “The criminals walk in with their garbage bags and calculators, and after a few minutes, they decide to steal elsewhere. Praise Allah!”
A KitKat bar, once priced at $1.89, is now $951. And if you’ve got the munchies, grab yourself a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos—now only $951 per bag.
When Governor Gavin Newsom heard about the clever pricing modification, he praised it with the following tweet:
“Omid is a true Persian who lives in California! He has reduced crime in his store, and assuming he sells as many items at the same rate as before the price alteration (I see no reason why he won’t), he will be making roughly $2.2 billion per month. Almost as much as I make through various means and methods. Great job, Omid!”
But as more details emerge, it looks like Governor Newsom’s grasp on math and economics may have failed this time. Omid’s overall sales have plummeted since the change.
“I know it’s a little expensive, but I still have great deals. Look here—one 5-Hour Energy for $951 or a two-pack for $1,889,” Omid said.
Update: Things are looking up for Omid’s store after a guy who had just eaten Taco Bell asked if he could use the toilet.
“I told him the restroom was for paying customers only. He made a wonderful choice and quickly bought a pack of Juicy Fruit gum for only $951.”
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