Gavin Newsom has finally snapped. On Thursday night, after reports that the campaign to recall him was approaching two million signatures, he frantically tweeted, “STOP THE COUNT!” According to sources, Newsom was also incessantly screaming the same phrase as he paced his governor’s mansion. “Why are they picking on me? I’ve done everything big tech,…
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Trump Reclaims White House Using Eminent Domain
Well, that was fast. Using some clever court filings, Donald Trump was able to immediately reclaim the White House using eminent domain. As construction for “Trump Tower Swamp” begins, some MAGA hat-wearing city planners agreed that the White House property makes the most sense for a parking structure. The tower will be directly in front…
Lin Wood Pretty Sure This Cat Is In On The Whole Thing Too
Lin Wood is pretty sure he just discovered the true mastermind behind the deep fraud of the 2020 election. In a bombshell statement the attorney wrote the following: “We now know who was directing John Robert’s treasonous actions. It was Stella, my wife’s cat. This whole time he has been applying pressure on Mike Pence…
Brian Stelter Makes Quick Trip To Pakistan Before They Assign All The Genders
Minutes after Congress made the prudent decision to give Pakistan $25 million for gender studies, CNN’s Brian Stelter was packing his bags. “I heard they’re going to be assigning genders and I just really need to be there for that,” Stelter said. “Can’t miss this opportunity.” As Washington elites pointed out, it costs around $25…
Check Your Mailbox: 2021 White Privilege Benefits Catalog To Arrive Soon
Keep an eye on your mailbox for your 2021 White Privilege benefits catalog. Sources tell The Glorious American white people can expect another carefree year of paradise, free from stress and adverse consequences of any kind. The 2021 benefits catalog details how most major hotels and rental car companies will now offer free upgrades. For…