WASHINGTON, DC — To give themselves an edge in the January 6th mystery, the crime-fighting committee (who demand to be called J6C-FORCE!) hired none other than Ray Epps several months ago.
“I think everyone who called us stupid has a lot of explaining to do,” Liz Cheney said after announcing Epps to the team. “This man is proving to be an incredible resource for us. Did you know he even scouted out the scene of the crime weeks in advance? Plus he can afford to take time off to help us because he recently earned a ton of money after completing a huge job in early 2021. I think it involved waste management.”
“IT’S TRUE! WE NEED TO DIVE INTO THE DETAILS OF WHAT HAPPENED!” Epps yelled in his loud, monotone voice. “SO WE NEED TO LOOK INTO WHOEVER WAS THERE INCITING THE CROWD. AND THAT MEANS WE THROW ANYONE INVOLVED INTO PRISON. AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY ANYONE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY!”
Since Epps joined the squad, Adam Kinzinger says the committee can now focus on what really matters to the American people.
“Matching uniforms,” Kinzinger said. “I’ve used committee funds to buy the actual Power Rangers uniforms at an auction. “With us all being democrats, I know everyone will want to be the White Ranger, but that’s mine.”
Update: When Epps took the White Ranger suit, Kinzinger softly wept for eight hours.
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