WESLEY HEIGHTS, DC — After a long day of walking back a few dozen statements he had said the previous day, Dr. Fauci treated himself to his favorite evening tradition: Watching the last five minutes of Old Yeller on a loop for three hours.
“I know people look at what I’m doing with COVID and think I’m like a miracle worker or something. But at the end of the day, I’m just a regular world-renowned miracle worker who needs to see dogs suffer like everybody else,” Fauci said, settling into his couch with a glass of wine. “Also, it’s a shame we still don’t have a vaccine for rabies. Oh, well.”
As a favor, Disney was kind enough to provide the good doctor with a customized Blu-ray disc that is over three hours of the yellow lab getting shot.
“Ohhh!! This is my favorite part!” Fauci kept saying over and over, pointing to the screen.
Aside from his perplexing skill of somehow making a respiratory virus last for three years, the doctor is also a shrewd film critic.
“When I direct the killing of a dog— I mean IF I were to direct the killing of a dog in a movie, I wouldn’t have the kid cry. I would make it more realistic by having him laugh and cheer,” he explained. “And I know it’s been said many times in the film community, but I think the Old Yeller re-boot should star Alec Baldwin. There’d be way more excitement. Way more blood. Bullets flying everywhere.”
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