First, let me introduce myself. My name is Libby McTardo and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? None of your business! I was an assistant manager at Hot Topic before the science told me to lock myself in my apartment. I was just about to see sunlight for the first time in 18 months until Bill Cosby was released. I live in Portland and have four Masters’ degrees in Gender Identification. That means I’m only twelve credits away from possibly learning which gender I am. I hate The Glorious American and so should you. But they’ve allowed me to share the FACTS with you, the stupid Trump-loving neanderthals, so I will. Now listen up as I explain:
Why New York’s Botched Mayoral Election Only Proves Elections Cannot Be Botched!
This week, my TV told me that New York City accidentally made over 135,000 boo-boos when counting their ballots for mayor. And I can already hear Republicans yelling: “So this means the 2020 election was rigged too!”
Ummm, no. Do you know why? Because I (unlike my idiot neighbor, Blake, who keeps yelling that sentence through the thin drywall), CAN READ!
What Blake and all Republicans forget to mention is the fact that New York election officials counted every single ballot WITH. THE. BEST. OF. INTENTIONS! Should ballots that were incorrectly filled out be tossed away in the wee hours of the morning? Well, let me slightly rephrase the question: Should starving Africans be forced to incorrectly cool their huts with energy from fossil fuel? The answer to that is simple. So instead of name-calling the election officials, you should do a little research you undereducated, racist, misogynist, boomer-pig!
This leads me to the election of 2020. Despite Trump’s claim that it was stolen, a bipartisan group of cable news hosts gave us their word that IT. WAS. NOT! Do you even know what bipartisan means? It means there were two separate parties celebrating Joe Biden’s big win in Washington after election month. My friend, Hannah, was even at one! And I’ll never forget her telling me this, and I quote:
“Watching Elena Kagan rip bong after bong that night under the moon, we just knew the election results were morally right.”
Lastly, when it comes to elections, let’s take a deep look into the word Republicans love the most. They love saying “rigged,” and I think I know why. Do you know what that word would be if you simply made the ‘n’ sound in place of the ‘r’? Oh, you never thought of that? Sure. And I guess you never stopped to ponder how that word would sound if you merely replaced the ‘d’ sound with the ‘r’. My three mothers and that alpaca didn’t raise no fool!
I think I’ve made my point. I’m done typing. I. AM. NOT. THE. GLORIOUS. AMERICAN’S. SLAVE! Plus I need to finish begging Blake to reinforce my apartment door (on his dime) for when Bill Cosby comes for me again.
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