WASHINGTON, DC — Thinking he was watching CNN, Joe Biden found himself watching the 2003 Christmas classic Elf. The fictional president instantly became enamored with the movie’s star, Buddy the Elf.
“Jean-Pierre! Come quick! CNN’s done it again! They’ve found perhaps the world’s most distinguished statesman,” he yelled to his press secretary.
As they watched Buddy pour three quarts of syrup over spaghetti and candy, the two marveled at his brilliance. They found a man who liberal Democrats of all ages could look up to for wisdom.
“You must bring me this genius. He speaks with the confidence of an Obama and eats like a Nadler,” Biden intensely whispered. “They tell me my approval ratings are in the mid-30s. With Buddy guiding our every move, I believe we can triple that.”
Once word got around Biden was bringing Buddy into his administration, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her squad let their disapproval be known.
“So, what? Democrats don’t need us anymore?” AOC asked. “Buddy is an intellectual powerhouse compared to us. We’ll be obsolete. We would have never supported Biden if we knew he’d become an obsoletist!”
Update: Biden also saw an airing of It’s a Wonderful Life and demanded the film be fact-checked due to misinformation. To reflect life under democrat rule, the movie’s title was updated to It’s a Horrid, Dangerous Life Unworthy Of Living, So Please Pass The Opioids.
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