QUEENS, NY– Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is taking what she believes to be a major stand against Russia. On Wednesday she proclaimed she would be boycotting salami. “I’ve got a message for Putin. My masked servants will NO LONGER be buying me salami. A Russian delicacy I used to love,” she said with a thousand-yard stare. “If me and my…
Category: World & Weather
Kamala Harris Flown To Moscow To Tell Putin ‘Ukraine Is A Country In Europe’
MOSCOW, RU– On Wednesday Kamala Harris was flown to Moscow to explain the finer points of international conflict to Vladimir Putin. “Ok, Pu-Pu. Are you paying attention, honey child?” Harris began her talk with Vladimir. “Ukraine is a COUNTRY in a place called EUROPE. Do you know what a country is? Well, no one really knows for sure. But I…
Putin Hires All The American Soldiers Who Were Fired For Not Taking Vaccine
MOSCOW, RU– Vladimir Theodore Putin has hired all the American soldiers who were dismissed for not putting the miracle vaccine juice into their bodies. Currently, hundreds of US armed men are flying to Russia on Putin’s private fleet of planes (Spirit Airlines). “What can I say? My skill set is to preserve freedom and kick…
Mark Zuckerberg Says Russia Has Not Yet Invaded Ukraine In The Metaverse
MENLO PARK, CA–In an effort to boost sales of his Oculus headset, Facebook CEO and all-around man’s man, Mark Zuckerberg is happily reporting that Russia has not yet invaded Ukraine within the Metaverse. “Nope. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the genders are a swappin’ in the Metaverse. The only war that’s happening in…
Psaki Accidently Wears Her Hammer-And-Sickle Hat While Explaining That Trump Was Soft On Russia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, Jen Psaki called an emergency press conference to reluctantly tell the media some unflattering news about Donald Trump. “You guys are my best friends, so I know I can talk to you,” Psaki began. “Well, we think the former president was too nice towards Russia and that’s why Joe’s struggling…