MOSCOW, RU– Vladimir Theodore Putin has hired all the American soldiers who were dismissed for not putting the miracle vaccine juice into their bodies. Currently, hundreds of US armed men are flying to Russia on Putin’s private fleet of planes (Spirit Airlines).
“What can I say? My skill set is to preserve freedom and kick ass. And America is all out of freedom,” Dave Edgers from Canton said, boarding his plane. “Plus, Vlad said we can have all the beef Stroganoff we want. Way better than the Bill Gates ‘Impossible Meat’ our Army fed us.”
When the United States government learned of the 200,000 men joining the Russian Army, they were indifferent.
“So what? Those were our worst guys,” General Mark Milley told CNN’s Don Lemon. “Those guys were dripping with toxic masculinity. Always working out, talking about football, and strategy for winning wars. Plus, you won’t believe this Don-Don; not ONE of them was gay or wanted free hoohaa surgery!”
Upon hearing that, Lemon violently spat out his cappuccino and passed out. Thankfully, a producer revived him with an emergency pack of banana-flavored Tums.
Update: A TikTok video shared by Adam Kinzinger showing a herd of Ukrainian house cats (who grew opposable thumbs) destroying the Russian Army was later found to be untrue.
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