MENLO PARK, CA–In an effort to boost sales of his Oculus headset, Facebook CEO and all-around man’s man, Mark Zuckerberg is happily reporting that Russia has not yet invaded Ukraine within the Metaverse.
“Nope. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the genders are a swappin’ in the Metaverse. The only war that’s happening in here is a continuous reenactment of the January 6th insurrection,” Zuckerberg informed. “So pick up an Oculus headset today–or we’ll mandate them.”
CNN hosts, who have largely grown tired of reality, are praising Zuckerberg’s stupid fictional land when they put the large virtual headset on.
“It’s unbelievable in here! Look, people respect me again,” Chris Wallace said, before trying to embrace a fake admirer and falling down two flights of stairs.
Another perk of the Metaverse is that Democrats are enjoying a commanding 97 point lead over Republicans on a generic ballot. Not to mention the series of newspapers that flatter Joe Biden with headlines like, “No, Joe Didn’t Shart All Over The Place On His Trip To The Vatican” and “Stairs: Architecture’s Cruel And Unworkable Obstacle Course.”
Update: In response to the Metaverse, Donald Trump has launched ‘Alphaverse,’ a digital world where all 193 other countries are terrified to mess with Trump’s America.
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