MEDINA, WA — Many vaccine recipients have noticed a small wire connected to their arm from where the shot was administered. Even more peculiar, the wire leads into Bill Gates’ Seattle mansion. “Is this normal?” a concerned 67-year-old Helen Philips asked her nurse about the two thousand-mile-long blue wire. “Oh, here we go again. Another…
Category: Health
White House: Wave Of ‘Died Suddenly’ Incidences Likely Due To Gas Stoves
WASHINGTON, DC – As the wave of people dying suddenly reaches preposterous levels, the likely cause is something many people have quietly suspected. Gas stoves. If you’re skeptical, consider this: Even Joe Biden is now saying these appliances are to blame—and he’s a legitimate President. “My fellow A..Ar..Armenians, unless you’ve been living under Iraq for…
Paddle Boarder Arrested By Coastguard For Not Granting Them Pandemic Amnesty
MALIBU, CA — A paddle boarder was arrested after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean and grant them pandemic amnesty on Monday. County lifeguards were heard screaming to the young man via bullhorn, “It was the fog of COVID! How were we supposed to know you still had rights? So let’s just…
Caveman Used Right To Free Healthcare To Heal After T-Rex Attack, Paleontologist Say
WYOMING – As brilliant geriatric socialists like Bernie Sanders have taught us, there is a universal right to free healthcare. So it was no surprise when Scientists at the University of Wyoming discovered evidence showing a caveman used this perk to recover from a T-Rex attack. The team of paleontologists uncovered an ancient hospital filing…
Unable To Speak, FBI Provides John Fetterman Helpful Stump Speech
PHILADELPHIA, PA— When it comes to elections, the FBI doesn’t like to get involved if the Democrat has it in the bag. But every so often, a progressive candidate takes one too many boosters, and their brain explodes. That’s what happened with John Fetterman, causing the FBI to step in to write his stump speech.…