PHILADELPHIA, PA— When it comes to elections, the FBI doesn’t like to get involved if the Democrat has it in the bag. But every so often, a progressive candidate takes one too many boosters, and their brain explodes.
That’s what happened with John Fetterman, causing the FBI to step in to write his stump speech.
“We want John’s speech to match his wardrobe. Loud, incoherent rambling with just a hint of SpaghettiOs stains on his hoodie. But after his eighth Pfizer shot, he’s been sounding downright sloppy,” Fetterman’s campaign manager said. “But the folks over at the Bureau took John’s speech, did their redacting magic, and it’s now much easier for him to deliver.”
The speech, now just the three words: “…I…want…senate,” is being called one of the most intellectually stimulating messages in Democrat party history.
“I think a lot of Republicans have egg on their face for calling the FBI useless,” Director Christopher Wray said. “A few of us pocketed the $75,000 John’s parents gave us, and we, again, delivered for the radical lef—I mean all Americans.”
Update: After delivering his new stump speech “…I…want…senate,” a few times, many Democrats are asking if there’s any way the FBI can dumb it down a bit more.
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