WASHINGTON, DC – As the wave of people dying suddenly reaches preposterous levels, the likely cause is something many people have quietly suspected.
Gas stoves.
If you’re skeptical, consider this: Even Joe Biden is now saying these appliances are to blame—and he’s a legitimate President.
“My fellow A..Ar..Armenians, unless you’ve been living under Iraq for the last year, you’ve seen all your friends and loved ones die. They’re walking upright like this, and then WHAM!—dead meat,” he said, gesturing with his hands and accidentally knocking the sign language lady out cold. “Yeah! Just like what she did! Anyways, we now know why– AND IT MATTERS! It’s those stoves! They’re cold-blooded killers, damn it! This is so serious, I’ve put my best trans..trans..transgorilla on the case. Pistol Pete Butt..jugs.”
After searching everywhere for someone named ‘Mr. ButtJugs’, the White House eventually played clean-up duty on Biden’s remarks.
“When the President explained every American should ‘lull their stove into a false sense of security by turning the gas on for an hour and then fire a warning shot with a shotgun at the appliance,’ he was speaking…uhh.. metaphorically,” Karine Jean-Pierre said.
Update: Curiously, seven staffers named ButtJugs were found.
Give Us Story Ideas
