MALIBU, CA — A paddle boarder was arrested after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean and grant them pandemic amnesty on Monday.
County lifeguards were heard screaming to the young man via bullhorn, “It was the fog of COVID! How were we supposed to know you still had rights? So let’s just forget the whole thing. Deal?”
Despite repeated orders to exit the water and forgive them, the man continued paddle boarding. Eventually, lifeguards flagged down Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies, who tased the unruly citizen and drug his limp body to shore.
“This is what happens when you don’t grant The CCP pandemic amnesty,” an officer said with his knee on the paddle boarder’s neck. “The California Coastal Patrol gets very sad. Oh, and when he wakes up, we’ll demand amnesty for this whole tasing him thing, too.”
Update: If more cases of non-pandemic amnesty arise among citizens, Governor Gavin Newson will issue a state-wide lockdown. “They say unforgiveness is contagious, and we must slow the spread.”
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