This morning Senator Bernie Sanders was forced to expand his label from “Democratic Socialist“ to “Democratic Socialist who-won’t-flatten-you-with-government-vehicle.” When reached for comment, Sanders explained, “There is so much misinformation about what I stand for! Making this simple clarification should reassure my belief that NO American should be mowed over with a vehicle!” Despite Sanders’ statement,…
Category: Health
In-N-Out To Portland? Burger Chain Interviewing Northwest Cows.
Portlanders are abuzz with the rumor that the ultra-popular In-N-Out Burger chain might be coming to the Rose City. Several sources within the restaurant tell The Glorious American they’ve sent some of their top chefs to Portland area to interview local cows. “In-N-Out requires a special cow,” said chief Ingredient expert Mark Spink. “Everyone knows…
Bernie Sanders Wants Felons To Vote, Get Special Sticker
Senator Bernie Sanders said that all felons, including murderers, should be allowed to vote in Monday’s CNN town hall. As the audience gasped in horror, the Democratic presidential candidate quickly amended his proposal. “Ummm– you didn’t let me finish!” Bernie said, gathering his thoughts. “I believe they should have the right to vote BUT they…
CNN Furious At William Barr For flubbing All His Lines During Press Conference
This morning Attorney General William Barr gave his much anticipated press conference which outlined the findings within the Mueller report. However, CNN was quick to express its frustration at Barr for totally forgetting all his lines. “We clearly gave Bill all the media-approved findings, and he botched everything,” said a fuming Jim Acosta. “We have…
Ghost That Haunts The White House Diagnosed With Trump Derangement Syndrome
Several sources have revealed the Ghost that haunts The White House has been diagnosed with Trump Derangement Syndrome. White House physician Dr. Edwin Baylor stopped briefly to provide comment to the press. “What I can say is… It’s not good,” said Dr. Baylor with a discouraged tone. “This Ghost has a rich tradition of haunting…