As the dust settles from Tuesday’s Democratic debate, many of the candidates feel they need to answer for their poor performances. “It was that damn kook Williamson!” Tim Ryan exclaimed. “She was baked outta her mind and gave us all a contact high!” Ryan’s claim, as odd as it sounds, is not being dismissed. Many…
Category: Health
Protesters Plan To Take To The Streets Over Baltimore Tweets As Soon As They Find Streets
Jeff Hathaway is a passionate liberal from Brooklyn and he is fuming mad. When Jeff and his friends heard Donald Trump tweeted that be believes the city of Baltimore is “a mess”, they took the train down to Baltimore to protest Trump’s remarks. “I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do! We’re gonna take to the…
Clippy Saves Clintons Again, This Time Writes Letter Distancing Couple From Jeffrey Epstein
After the horrifying crimes of Jeffery Epstein were revealed Monday, the Clintons did the super normal thing by scrambling to a computer to quickly write a detailed account of what they didn’t know. “What the waaaa?” Bill began the letter. “Jeffery WHO??” he continued on. It was then that Clippy, Microsoft’s virtual office assistant, knew…
Pete Buttigieg Promises To Cure Turkey Neck If Elected
Democrat presidential hopeful and media darling, Pete Buttigieg, has vowed to completely cure Turkey Neck if elected. This follows the pattern set by Joe Biden who promised to cure cancer if elected. “Curing cancer will probably get all the headlines,” Mayor Pete said. “But if you or a loved one has suffered from looking like…
Portland Police Will Supervise Antifa Throwing Conservatives Into Wood Chipper
Portland’s local Antifa chapter has filed for a permit which allows them to toss conservatives into a large wood chipper, The Glorious American has learned. In what Mayor, Ted Wheeler, called “a tricky grey area of free speech”, the display has been authorized to take place at Pioneer Square later this week. “I have instructed…