This week it was learned that Bernie Sanders has been repeatedly calling our top scientists working on the COVID-19 vaccine and reminding them that ‘healthcare was a human right.’ “Well, things would be going a lot faster if that old socialist would stop calling us every five minutes!” yelled a microbiologist. “Every time we pick…
Category: Health
COVID-19 Vaccine To Be Released As Part Of My Pillow Family Of Products
The Trump administration has agreed to use the My Pillow company to distribute the much sought-after COVID-19 vaccine. “My team discovered that this would be the most efficient way to get this vaccine to the masses,” Trump announced in the Rose Garden on Tuesday. “Based on the amount of the commercials I see, Mike Lindell…
CDC: Paperwork Showing You're A Registered Democrat To Double As COVID-19 Immunity Certificate
According to Dr. Fauci, immunity certificates for those who have developed the COVID-19 antibodies are being discussed. “I don’t see why we can’t all wait for another twenty months, poke our heads out of our houses like frightened groundhogs, and then, after another eight weeks, we can think about re-openings. Maybe,” Fauci told Jake Tapper. Then, the…
Police Take Action As Hand Seen Recklessly Gallivanting Around Outside
A human hand was promptly blown to smithereens by over 500 bullets after it was seen disobeying Michigan’s stay-at-home order on Saturday. The man who owned the hand has told The Glorious American he was just reaching for a newspaper when what looked like hundreds of red laser dots appeared all over his hand. “But…
Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants Joe Biden The Presidency As He Bravely Battles Dementia
After the Make-A-Wish Foundation learned presidential candidate, Joe Biden was bravely battling dementia, the organization decided to grant him one wish. Joe immediately wished for a cheeseburger but his wife, Jill insisted on redirecting the wish. After a small amount of paperwork, the nation was alerted that Joe Biden has been granted the presidency of…