The Trump administration has agreed to use the My Pillow company to distribute the much sought-after COVID-19 vaccine.
“My team discovered that this would be the most efficient way to get this vaccine to the masses,” Trump announced in the Rose Garden on Tuesday. “Based on the amount of the commercials I see, Mike Lindell has a unique connection with each and every household in America. So yes, we’ll be using the My Pillow team.”
Critics are calling the decision inappropriate and a form of crony capitalism, but the president disagrees.
“Have you seen some of the deals going on over there at My Pillow? They’re unbelievable. Some people have said Americans may need a good set of Giza Dream Sheets even more than the vaccine. Mike personally picked the Giza cotton from the Fertile Crescent or Egypt or something. Outstanding work.”
The president then wheeled out a large monitor and made the press watch the My Pillow commercial on a loop. Members of the media quickly became irritated and began to grumble. “JUST THREE MORE TIMES,” Trump yelled over Lindell’s voice.
The president concluded with a simple message: “So, if you’re one of those Americans desperate to get that sweet COVID-19 vaccine inside your blood, head on over to MyPillow.com and load up your cart with pillows and dog beds and vaccines and we’re going to get through this, I promise you that. Oh, and don’t forget to use the promo code… uhh… covfefe. You know what, just type anything in there and Mike will give you a great deal.”