A human hand was promptly blown to smithereens by over 500 bullets after it was seen disobeying Michigan’s stay-at-home order on Saturday.
The man who owned the hand has told The Glorious American he was just reaching for a newspaper when what looked like hundreds of red laser dots appeared all over his hand.
“But that hand could have been reaching for an elderly person to infect or a bat,” informed a local official. “Frankly, I feel we may have demonstrated too much restraint.”
Questions about the police’s actions are mounting. Most notably, how were the authorities able to act so quickly?
“Me and about three hundred officials all just zeroed in on this one house,” a state trooper said. “We just figured whoever was in that house has gotta violate the mandate some time, ya know?”
Michigan Governor, Gretchen Whitmer, could not be more proud of her police force. “That hand was just asking for it. Gallivanting around that porch like it owned the place. And if you think that the other hand isn’t at home just plotting a similar joy ride around Michigan, you’re a damn fool,” she said. “A reckless fool. A fool who may put others’ safety at risk.”
Update: The hand’s man is now resting comfortably. But sadly, the hand was unable to be revived and passed away early Sunday morning. The cause of death was identified to be the coronavirus.