It’s with a heavy heart that The Glorious American informs the world that the turkey famous for his work as a social justice warrior, the Reverend Stuffy Gobbleson, sadly passed away this week. He was overweight, diabetic, and lived twice as long as a normal turkey, but many believe it was our racist and unjust nation that…
Category: Health
Poison Control Now Suggests Watching Shep Smith To Induce Vomiting
While The Glorious American usually sticks to news, there are occasions when we feel responsible to use our enormous platform for public health announcements. This is just such an occasion. This week poison control centers around the nation have issued a handy tip should someone need to quickly induce vomiting. “We’ve found that looking at…
Medical Miracle? Trump Drains Biden’s Last Bit Of Energy For Full Recovery
In an incredible announcement from the President’s doctors, it appears Donald Trump has made an impressive recovery from COVID-19 by somehow draining the last bit of energy from rival, Joe Biden. Simply put, as the President gains strength, Biden is weakening. While the claim sounds outlandish, doctors from the Biden camp have confirmed the phenomenon. …
After A Lot Of Prayer, Nancy Pelosi Tearfully Instructs Doctors To Pull The Plug On Trump (And Pence)
After a great deal of prayer, a tearful Nancy Pelosi has been calling Walter Reed Hospital and instructing the doctors to ‘pull the plug’ on Donald Trump after he contracted COVID-19. A receptionist at the hospital confirmed that Pelosi has called roughly fifty times, and at one point did a Dr. Fauci impression to make…
‘It’s OK, He Has Insurance,’ Trump Says About Protester On Fire
As footage of the Portland protestor whose legs caught fire went viral, Americans everywhere ran to their computers and began editing the flaming man to synchronize with their favorite dance music. It was a fun time for all. See for yourself: However, we soon learned the Democrat party was not too happy to see conservatives…