It’s with a heavy heart that The Glorious American informs the world that the turkey famous for his work as a social justice warrior, the Reverend Stuffy Gobbleson, sadly passed away this week. He was overweight, diabetic, and lived twice as long as a normal turkey, but many believe it was our racist and unjust nation that finally killed the Reverend Stuffy.
Perhaps no one is taking the news harder than the Nelson family of Santa Clarita, California who quickly yelled “DIBS!” as they made arrangements to host the Reverend’s memorial service. They insisted it be held on the fourth Thursday in November.
“He inspired all of us as he battled bigots, Republicans, COVID, and two local bobcats. But he couldn’t survive the racism that Donald Trump left us,” Governor Gavin Newsom said. “Because the Reverend Stuffy was a modern-day Dr. King–only shorter, I will be making an exception for the Nelson’s large gathering. Stuffy would have wanted a proper funeral. Millions of Californians should attend. I want that 2,500 square foot home packed in the name of justice.”
“I always like to wear my looser pants to …uh, funerals,” a rattled Uncle Bobby Nelson told reporters. “I just love turkey—I mean, THAT turkey! We need this turkey now more than ever because of racism. That and we need to put the pie in.”
The nation is devastated to lose The Reverend Stuffy Gobbleson but the Nelsons did announce there would be subsequent memorials featuring sandwiches throughout the week.