While The Glorious American usually sticks to news, there are occasions when we feel responsible to use our enormous platform for public health announcements. This is just such an occasion.
This week poison control centers around the nation have issued a handy tip should someone need to quickly induce vomiting. “We’ve found that looking at the pompously arrogant face of Shepard Smith is the most efficient way for the body to begin dry heaving, and eventually hurl,” said a top toxicologist. “If your house has a lot of things like Clorox or rat poison in it, we recommend DVR’ing one episode of Shep Smith and keeping it handy. Just in case of emergencies. But don’t let your kids near the TV if you do that. You know what? Never mind. Roll the dice with the rat poison.”
A recent study showed that it’s not just Smith’s brazenly elitist demeanor that makes viewers vomit. Smith’s eyes reveal he’s got the brainpower of a damp dishtowel, which, if stared at long enough, will inevitably cause you to throw up.
“We actually get a ton of calls because people will accidentally see Shepard Smith on TV and begin to feel terribly ill,” said a poison control agent. “We just tell them to calm down and to keep watching. It will all be over with soon.”