WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to impress CNN and the Biden administration, the Joint Chiefs of Staff shared their opinion about the missile-shaped objects flying towards US soil on Monday. Gen. Mark Milley (feeling spunky and spry from his morning’s bikini wax) offered his insights. “I’ve looked at the radar, and you sluts aren’t…
Category: World & Weather
Needing To Kill Russians Without Firing A Shot, Biden Asks Alec Baldwin To Go To Ukraine
WASHINGTON, D.C.– The White House is sending Alec ‘Hot Shot’ Baldwin to Ukraine after the administration decided they need to conquer Russia, without actually firing a weapon. “Allen! It’s me! Jill’s first lady’s brother, Joe Baldwin!” Biden began his call to the actor. “I need you on the first train to Ukraine! And pack your magic trigger…
DeSantis Sends 14 Sex Offenders To Biden’s Delaware Home, Bringing Total Sex Offenders To 15 At The Biden House
GEORGETOWN, DE — Courtesy of Ron DeSantis, a plane carrying fourteen sex-offending illegal aliens has arrived in Delaware. They were dropped off in front of the fictional president’s beach home on Tuesday, bringing the total count of sex offenders to fifteen at the Biden property. “Guys, let’s not get hung up on the grand total…
Long-Time FOX 32 Chicago Anchor Calls It Quits After Gang Members Shoot Him 13 Times
OAK PARK, IL — After twenty-one years at FOX 32 Chicago, beloved anchorman Herb Swanson has decided to call it quits after opting to die from being shot over a dozen times by a local gang. FOX 32, which is heavily subsidized by the state of Illinois, is frequently accused of slanting stories to favor…
Japan Immediately Following Strike On Pearl Harbor: ‘Time To Heal’
As America reflects on the Pearl Harbor attack, we are reminded of the Joe Biden-type wisdom that was given by the Japanese Prime Minister, Hideki Tojo, moments after they destroyed our naval base. “Time to heal,” he said roughly eight minutes after the attack. “Our two nations had their differences when we were bombing you…